Revenge of the Koji
by miyukichan
Summary: Return of the Jedi. Ripped to shreds. With Bronze charas. And Koji as Luke Skywalker and Akihito as Darth Vader. Yes, it really is as puerile as it sounds. For some reason I can't quite fathom some people think it's funny. ^^ (Ongoing)
1. Chapter 1

Miyuki's Zetsuai Page Zetsuai 1989/Bronze   
Revenge of the Koji, Part 1 By miyuki-chan 

_Author's notes: According to the script I'm meant to kill off Hirose, Darth Akihito and Takafumi. I can't do it… Takafumi's just TOO cute to be killed off, and I like Hirose and Akihito! Good job this is just a parody cos I don't have to follow the canon (well, can you really see Izumi and Katsumi together? Nor can I…)! Maybe I can kill off another character instead…_

_Mucho apologies due to George Lucas, everyone involved in the making of this film, Star Wars fans everywhere (especially the poor benighted soul who put up the script for Return of the Jedi in all good faith – thanks, whoever you are, I'd been searching all over for that – only to have it hijacked by a manic yaoi fangirl) and the entire Star Wars franchise for my mutilation of the series, and last but by no means least to Minami Ozaki, the world's greatest mangaka, for my shameless appropriation of her characters…_

*** 

(I hope George Lucas doesn't ever find out about this, I can do without getting sued for every penny I've got…) 

*dramatic music, scrolling message, da da da dee dah de de de dee dah… you know the drill…* 

Star Wars Episode VI – Revenge of the Koji 

The return of the demented almost-a-Jedi Koji Nanjo to his home planet whose name has become lost in the tangled mess that is the Star Wars franchise, in a misguided attempt to rid the galaxy once and for all of the foul pestilence known as Eri the Hutt (the only creature in the known universe who has managed to keep Katsumi Shibuya quiet for more than five minutes at a stretch, and that is mainly because he's not quite all there at the moment: on the other hand, Eri the Hutt can also silence him by asking him how, exactly, does he think he's going to pay her this month) couldn't have come at a worse time. 

Unknownst to Koji, because he was never very good at keeping up with current events or family matters, his equally demented half-brothers are making yet another attempt to take over the entire universe with the aid of the New, Improved Death Porsche Mark II (now with go-faster stripes!). Which hasn't been finished yet, but the idea's there, and that's all that really matters… 

The evil and more than slightly cracked Nanjos hope that this ultimate weapon will spell death for the pathetic handful of rebels that remain after their utter trashing in the last sequel. Considering the Death Porsche's frankly pitiful showing in the first outing, why they think this will work is still open to some debate, especially considering how well they did in the previous sequel without the dubious help of the Death Porsche. Still, the help of Darth Akihito (who has finally given up the always tenuous grip he had on sanity) means things can't go too wrong. Can they? 

*** 

Panorama: Hanging malevolently in the middle of deep space: the New, Improved Death Porsche Mark II, with anti-skid brakes, satellite phone and GPS. It is half-completed… the front half of the structure is intact but the back end isn't there yet owing to construction costs. A few girders shows what still needs to be done. A sign on the side of the huge building site reads 'Another quality building project brought to you by Fett and Sons'. Behind it, a little moon of the general shape and colour of a garden pea and about half as interesting hangs prettily and pointlessly in the blackness of space. It's probably there as part of some kind of extended metaphor about Man and Nature which is completely lost on most of the audience, who only came for the battle scenes. And Izumi in his underwear. 

A space ship with decidedly sharklike qualities (huge, sleek, deadly… um, covered in lights) moves slowly and menacingly along, flanked by two littler, decidedly faster ships, Imperial TIE fighters. A tiny shuttle shoots out from the side of the large ship and heads towards the malignant mass that is the half-finished Death Porsche. 

*** 

Inside the huge Death Porsche docking bay, Commander Jamjar, a man with a British accent and a silly name, wearing a grey uniform with what look like Lego bricks stuck to his chest walks confidently (no-one knows why, this guy's quite clearly going to be dog meat by the time the credits roll and has no reason to be confident) up to the ship, now docked. He is surrounded by a large group of the playmobile set men with what look like coal scuttles on their heads. 

The shuttle door opens and out strides the half-mad Darth Akihito, dressed in black as ever and wearing his Threatening Helmet which makes the wearer sound like they have terminal asthma (it's still not certain why this is meant to be so scary). 

    Jamjar: Greetings, Darth Akihito. This is a pleasant surprise. 

    Darth Akihito (looking round): Surprise? It doesn't look like I caught you that off-guard. (looks a bit blank – no mean feat for someone with a bucket on his head – and clears his throat) Don't bother flattering me, it's not impressive. I'm here to make sure the Death Porsche is operational on time, since I clearly can't trust anyone else. 

    Jamjar (clutching his chest, slightly squeaky voice, he hasn't realised he's dog meat yet): Excuse me, sir? 

    Darth Akihito: Are you deaf as well as stupid? I AM HERE TO SUPERVISE THE BUILDING OPERATION BECAUSE YOU ARE AN INCOMPETENT. Got it? 

    Jamjar (terrified, gasp wince tremble): Sir, we will have this station operational on time. 

    Darth Akihito: I hope so. Emperor Hirose is coming and you wouldn't want him to have a wasted journey would you? 

    Jamjar (going even paler, if possible): But sir, these local contractors… they'll never agree to longer hours. Not without more overtime pay… 

    Darth Akihito (sotto voice): Oh, brother. If you want anything done properly you've got to do it yourself. (Aloud) Then pay them more, dumbass. You seem to be forgetting that we members of the evil galactic Nanjo Corporation Empire are ridiculously wealthy. 

Jamjar, no longer looking quite so cocky, salutes, runs off and bursts into tears. Darth Akihito sighs and takes the helmet off with a look of great relief, and fans himself with one hand. 

    Darth Akihito: It's too damn hot in that stupid thing. 

Darth Akihito stomps off in search of chocolate, a stiff drink and a means of contacting Hirose. 

*** 

Back to Tatooine, home of Koji Nanjo, dehydration and various nasty tropical diseases. Huge dunes of sand everywhere (if there is a creator he sure skimped on this planet… it's just sand. He should fire his designer). Somewhere in the middle of all this sand there is meant to be a road, which turns out to be distinguishable from the sand dunes in being a little flatter than they are, but otherwise pretty nondescript, like the landscape, which has never been anything to look at and still isn't. The gigantic sprawling rococo nightmare that is Eri The Hutt's palace (she should fire her designer too) only succeeds in making the place look even worse, if possible. What is it with supervillans and huge hideouts? 

    Taka (in his usual state of nervous panic): I don't know. Why me? Why do I have to be here if you're the one delivering this message? 

Serika rotates her head round and round in that mildly scary sub-Exorcist way and bleeps by way of a response. 

    Taka: What do you mean I'm a coward? We're going to see Eri the Hutt, of course I'm scared. 

The two stop in front of a huge door painted a hideous virulent pink even worse than that of Serika's skirt, with a gold decorative letter 'E' in the middle. Taka stares in horror at this fresh evidence of Eri the Hutt's sheer bad taste, and shudders slightly, Serika looks vacuous as ever. 

    Taka (in a state of shock over the hideous décor): Well, at least we know this is the right place. 

He knocks uncertainly at the door, waits all of two seconds, then turns away. 

    Taka: It doesn't look like anyone's at home, oh dear, what a shame… 

Serika bleeps reproachfully at him and he looks incredulously at her. 

    Taka (mildly irritated): No, I'm not going to knock again. 

A dilapidated little security camera plops out of a hole in the wall besides the door. Someone inside Eri's grotesque pile clearly fancies themselves as funny, it's got one of those gag bloodshot eyeballs on the end. Taka looks at it in mild shock, not quite sure what to make of it. Something inside starts laughing hysterically at the sight of the pair at the door. 

    Weird adenoidal voice (through a hideous fit of giggles): blurt wurgh groo! 

    Taka (flushing): …um, pardon? 

Serika bleeps at him again. 

    Taka: Yes, I know I'm meant to be fluent in over six million forms of communication, but I don't think I want to translate that comment, thank you very much. 

More bleeping. 

    Taka: No, I'm not going to tell you what it means. 

Taka sulks. Serika rotates her head again. More hideous laughter then the eyeball camera moves shakily back into the wall, a couple of screws falling off it as it goes. Taka and Serika look at one another in mild bewilderment, Taka clearly wanting to get the hell out and not come back, Serika's sheer lack of mental faculties making working out what she is thinking (if anything) difficult. 

Suddenly, with a tortured shriek of gears, the immense door opens and the gloomy interior of Eri's desert monstrosity is revealed. Serika immediately blunders straight in. Taka looks around anxiously, clearly wishing for an escape route, then follows Serika in. 

    Taka: I know I've overused this line already, but I have a really bad feeling about this. 

Serika bleeps indistinctly. 

    Taka: Oh, do be quiet. You really aren't helping. 

There is another tortured groan of metal and the door slams heavily back into place. Taka looks round fearfully, expecting some fearsome creature to spring from the shadows any minute. Alien cursing is heard. Serika whistles inquisitively. 

    Taka: I'm not sure, but I think he said 'it's broken again'. Only he swore a bit more than that. 

Aya, a hideous-looking Groupie wearing too much makeup and too little clothing walks up to them brandishing a Zap gun. Taka nearly freaks on the spot. 

    Aya: whu'dya wun?     (subtitle: What are you doing here?) 

    Taka: Um… we wish to speak with your most… renowned and, er, beauteous leader, Eri the Hutt, about a matter of some importance. 

Serika beeps at him. 

    Taka (to Serika): Yes, I was just getting to that. (Louder, attempting to sound ingratiating and smiling in a decidedly sickly way) Apparently we have some kind of gift too, but I don't quite know… 

    Aya (sneeringly): dun'be ztoopit. Ver-urnownt Eri wun'wanus peeketa ve lycesayu. Gi'my ver fiymgi an ge'los.     (subtitle: Don't make me laugh! Her Exaltedness Eri the Hutt does not grant an audience to just anyone! I will take the gift: you must leave!) 

Serika beeps a blue streak. Taka shoots her his most poisonous look (which, as poisonous looks go, is downright mild). 

    Taka (looking totally agonised): Apparently we have to see her personally. Sorry. 

    Aya: yubetr cum'n ven. Eri'ul si yu.     (subtitle: In that case, the Exalted Eri will deign to see you. Come in.) 

*** 

The two end up, eventually, in Eri the Hutt's throne room. The grotesquely overweight idiot princess lies sprawled on a huge chaise longue, eating chocolates, drinking cheap plonk and reading 'Pretty Miss' magazine. Several exotic and hideous creatures stand around (including another couple of Groupies in their traditional hooker-dress, one of whom leers at Takasaka who looks quickly away) and a group of quite hideously drunk aliens as well as the second most famous bucket-head in the galaxy (next to Darth Akihito, of course): the fearsome Hisaya Fett, wearing his bucket up today so the whole world can see his terrifying visage. Chained to her chaise longue is the hapless filler character Yuugo. 

Aya walks up to the repulsive princess, who is busily stuffing more chocolates into her maw with one immense fist, and whispers into her ear. She looks up and laughs in a vacuous way at Taka and Serika who try to hide their distaste. 

    Taka: Greetings oh, most… beauteous… (He winces noticeably) Eri. Thing. 

    Eri: nyeeheheheheheeh! Aya, wer'dyu fyn-vese ven?     (subtitle: ha ha ha! Aya, where did you find these exotic creatures?) 

    Aya: Vey'wuz artsyd verdur. E'ses e gutu fiymgi feryu. Ow, anur mezij.     (subtitle: They arrived at the back gate. They claim they have a gift for you, and a message.) 

    Eri: Ur-ky. Lez'e t ven.     (subtitle: In which case I suppose I'd better see what it is.) 

    Taka: Serika, just give her the message and let's get out of here. 

The tip of Serika's nose slides open and a small camera pokes out of it. Taka anxiously fidgets whilst Serika projects an image of Koji, dressed in his most flamboyant robes and leather trousers, onto the ground a few feet in front of Eri the Hutt, whose piggy eyes fair pop out of her head. 

    Eri: cor!     (subtitle: I want it!) 

    Koji (as hologram): Good day to you, fair maiden. 

Hideously, the repulsive blob on the chaise longue blushes! Eri the Hutt is VERY susceptible to flattery, especially when it is coming from tall, blonde sex gods like our Koji! 

    Koji: I am Koji Nanjo, Jedi knight and the star of the Rebellion's Christmas Revue. And for some reason Shibuya's friend. I bring you promises of flirtatious conversation, cosmetics and money, oh most exalted and lovely jewel of the desert. I know exactly where you're coming from with Shibuya, he's seriously irritating and he owes you enough money to buy the Death Porsche three times over, but if you let him go I'll give you a ton of cash and I'll take you out to dinner. Do we have a deal? Oh, and the pair of idiots who delivered this message are a token of my goodwill. 

    Taka: …'idiots'? Oh no. 

    Eri: e's gutu'gutu bidwi mi fust befur iy-kunsiddu't ur gud-deyle. N'iv is Shibuya's eir, 'tleas iy knurr e-int wiystin m daw'newmur.     (subtitle: For such a paltry sum? There will be no deal! Besides, if his Shibuya is here, I at least know that he is not cheating me any more.) 

Serika bleeps plaintively. Taka fiddles with his pill bottle. 

    Taka: We're totally dead, aren't we? 

An aggrieved bleep from Serika. 

    Taka: No, I don't think I talk too much. It's my job to talk. 

*** 

A few minutes later in some kind of robot workshop. Taka doesn't quite know what he's doing here considering he isn't that kind of guy. Serika just rotates her head once or twice which earns her another of Taka's dirty looks (which is like being glared at by a sheep). Of course, much steam and clanking noises abound so most of this conversation is conducted at a yell and the speakers can barely see each other… anyway, Taka and Serika are met by a Big Robot which has clearly had several bodged repair jobs performed on it and now, for some reason, thinks it is in the Darth Akihito league of intimidation despite being a total ham. 

    Big robot: Bwahahaha! Welcome, scum! (Turns to Taka) YOU! And just why should I persuade Eri the HUtt not to have you disintegrated immediately? 

    Taka (totally taken aback, forgetting to be scared): Um… because… I might be useful? 

    Big Robot: HA! And just why should I take your word for it? You'll have to do rather better than that! (Pauses a bit) How many languages do you speak? If any? 

    Taka (making his sales pitch): I am fluent in over six million forms of communication. (With a small flash of pride) Including Esperanto. 

    Big Robot: Good! We need a new translator considering Eri the Hutt operates a 'shoot the messenger' form of receiving bad news! Take him back to her Supreme Munificence and Gorgeousness Eri the Hutt! 

    Taka: Ah. Oh. Um, couldn't I… 

So much for job security. Why they even need an interpreter is not quite known as everyone speaks in subtitles but there you have it and it's Taka. Anyway, another couple of guards escort the poor man out of the room 

    Taka (being escorted out): Ow! Be careful with that thing! (Sudden realisation) Serika! Don't leave me! 

Serika bleeps a little plaintively then turns to the Big Robot and does the Serika equivalent of swearing – namely, a LOT of bleeps complete with head-rotation… but she still looks quite adorably cute in front of the huge, hideously repaired Big Robot, despite the bleepy swearing: it's probably the mini skirt and girly eyes. 

    Big Robot: Hahahaha! I like a girl with spirit! I have just the job for YOU! You will soon learn manners where you're going! 

More steam fills the room and the Big Robot walks off dramatically into it. Serika does not look overly impressed. 

*** 

Eri the Hutt's throne room. Here's where we see exactly how much of a filler character Yuugo is. Eri is in the middle of a giant, ridiculously noisy party: a few feet away Taka wrings his hands and looks totally out of place. A couple of the Groupies have collapsed on the floor in a drunken heap. Hisaya Fett is leering at Yuugo who is looking rather self-conscious and doing some kind of strange dance that is clearly designed to emphasise the fact that he's not wearing many clothes… 

Eri the Hutt gives the poor boy a funny look: her eyes are all crossed and her tongue is hanging out, clearly she is feeling sexy. She tries to get him to come and sit next to her. 

    Eri: Yuugo! Cum'ere!     (subtitle: Won't you come and sit with me, Yuugo?) 

    Yuugo (looking rather disgusted): I don't want to. 

    Eri: Ur, yr'lil buztid! It'le sun-tesh yr'manis! Tykv'at!     (subtitle: Really? I have had quite enough of your insolence! Perhaps this will act as a corrective!) 

Eri presses a button (labelled 'Ominous Button') on the edge of her chair and a trap door opens beneath Yuugo, who was never in with a chance really, and he plummets down it with a yell. There is a horrible thud, an even more horrible growl and a drawn-out scream – Yuugo is determined to make the most of his death scene… Eri goes into unbecoming hysterics, the drunk aliens round her cheer and Taka starts cleaning his glasses, only to almost drop them when a gunshot is heard. As the room falls silent, Taka hastily puts his glasses back on and peers in the direction of the noise. 

Through the crowd of huge robots, little whizzy corkscrew things on wings, Groupies and various other obvious products of the Jim Henson Muppet Workshop, come a small group of people including Jesus, Katsumi's canine co-pilot/companion/bane of his life. Walking behind him holding what looks like a camouflaged Super Soaker water pistol is the figure of Bush, the bounty hunter, a strange-looking man in heavy clothing. He is another Galactic Bucket Head. He speaks the archaic Subtitles dialect. 

Aya the Groupie, pulling herself out of her drunken heap on the floor, goes and stands next to Eri and leans down to her hideous ear, whispering and pointing obviously at Jesus and Bush, yanking down her ludicrously short traditional Hooker skirt as she does so. 

    Bush (in Subtitles): Greetings, oh magnificent… Eri. I have come for the bounty on this… walking carpet thing. 

    Eri: Yya! Vis izu rhapi'day! Iy gut ver mi-ti Jesus fing! Iy'm ver-bizt! Nyeeheheheheheeh!     (subtitle: So, at long last we have captured the mighty Jesus. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!) 

She turns to the highly anxious Taka, who is wringing his hands again, and beckons him over. 

    Taka: Um… yes, your Gorgeousness, here I am… 

Eri continues to howl, gurgle and drool whilst Taka attempts to make some sense of her rantings for Bush's benefit. 

    Taka: Um. Well, her supreme bounteousness and superlative beauteousness Eri the Hutt welcomes you and will gladly pay you your reward of twenty-five thousand. 

Twenty-five thousand what? It doesn't matter because Bush isn't playing anyway. He glares from beneath the bucket at the hideous Eri. 

    Bush (in Subtitles): Won't do. I want fifty. 

Eri growls and starts throwing the crockery around. Jesus gets 'Pretty Miss' magazine in the face and barks in irritation, Aya narrowly avoids being hit in the head by a half-empty wine glass, chocolate papers fly everywhere and Takasaka ends up on the floor. Bush plays ominously with his Super Soaker. Taka climbs anxiously to his feet and attempts to approach the drooling, ranting Eri who is still quite clearly 'off on one'. 

    Taka (to himself): Look, I'm only the translator… and I didn't say anything… this is a really bad job… (to Bush) Um… well, the general idea of all that is the mighty Eri wishes to know why she must pay fifty. 

Bush sighs as if he cannot believe the sheer obtuseness of everyone here and holds up a small object which has 'bomb' written all over it. Eri doesn't get it. Taka does and after looking at it for a bit he looks at Bush as if asking for help, then at Eri, then the ceiling, Aya's drink… basically, he's nervy and Eri looks threateningly at him. 

    Taka: Um. Well. He's got a bomb. 

This makes sense. The room goes quiet on cue and most of the room take several paces away from Bush. Taka looks as if he would like to do the same. Eri, of course, is stuck to her chaise longue by sheer laziness but she doesn't look all that worried. The bomb begins to tick. Taka looks at Eri again, then looks at his watch. He looks totally agonised – this is the worst job he's ever taken. 

    Eri: nyeeheheheheheeh! Wut'ur cliv uwi-uf gurtin'm uni! E's ku'l!     (subtitle: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That's the kind of thinking I like to see!) 

Eri continues drooling and growling and Taka hurriedly translates. 

    Taka: The… er… exalted Eri offers the revised sum of thirty-five thousand… (He looks at Bush imploringly – a borderline case of Nuriko Eyes behind the glasses) Please say yes, I want to stay alive here… 

He waits anxiously for the reply, as do the Groupies, the big robots, the flying corkscrews, Kermit the frog, Miss Piggy and Big Bird. Bush turns the bomb and the tick stops. 

    Bush (in Subtitles) Yes. 

    Taka: He says yes. 

The room take this as their cue to start partying harder than before and the entire room erupts in laughter, drunken singing, and a yelp from Takasaka – Aya has tried to grope him on the grounds that he's generically male. A band start massacring 'Wake me up before you go go' and Jesus as he is dragged out of the room looks utterly mystified (it's hard being a dog). A few feet away Takafumi Yoshiya, half-heartedly disguised as a guard, attempts to hide his rather distinctive haircut under a Half-Bucket and looks at Bush over the top of his glasses, raising his eyebrows at the man's big red helmet. Bush watches impassively, holding his Super Soaker, meeting the gaze of fearsome Hisaya Fett sans bucket. The two get into a staring match. 

*** 

The same room a few hours later. The entire party has worn itself out and now lies passed out on the floor, all snoring hideously. The floor is a mess. Taka sits in a relatively clear patch and massages his temples, holding his nerve pill bottle in one hand. A few feet away Bush moves anxiously through the room, trying not to tread on the comatose Big Bird. 

Bush makes his way to the small alcove where Eri has been keeping Katsumi for decorative purposes (though it has already been conclusively proven that 1. Eri the Hutt has bad taste in décor and 2. Eri the Hutt has a psychotic sense of humour so this should perhaps not be seen as that surprising). After staring for a few moments out of intellectual curiosity perhaps, or maybe contemplating Katsumi's reputation for talking far too much, Bush shrugs 'what the hell' and decides to go for it, pressing another big red button. 

After a few moments in which nothing of any real moment happens except for an irritating low hum noise starts, the case thing breaks and Katsumi makes as if to fall over (he never was very co-ordinated). Bush catches him. After waiting for a few moments and getting increasingly impatient, he slaps him. Katsumi opens his eyes slightly and looks intently at some point over Bush's left shoulder, before hitting him lightly on the bucket, making it slide forward slightly. He is no more than half awake and very irritated. 

    Katsumi: Go away. I'm tired. 

    Bush: Katsumi, what the hell is your problem? Do you have the faintest idea where you are? 

    Katsumi: Hopefully I'm asleep on the floor. Five minutes, okay? 

    Bush: Are you alright? 

    Katsumi: I'd be a lot better if you just let me get some damn sleep! 

    Bush: Don't be stupid. 

    Katsumi (plaintively): Anyway, why'd you wake me up when I was just beginning to really hate it? Another few weeks and I'd have been really quite annoyed… 

    Bush ('why-do-I-bother?' tone of voice): Are you alright? 

    Katsumi: Um… well, to put it bluntly, no. Who the hell are you anyway? 

    Bush: Katsumi, I'm looking straight at you… oh yeah. (He takes the bucket off his head: we see that it really WAS just a red plastic bucket with an eyehole cut in. It even has 'Addis' written on it and there's a white handle on the back. Underneath is the foul-tempered Prince Izumi, whose expression is set in his trademark scowl) Any better? 

    Katsumi: No. Hey, do I have my eyes closed? 

    Izumi: Of course not. Here. (He holds up four fingers) How many fingers am I holding up? 

    Katsumi: Twelve? I dunno… where's your hand? And who are you anyway? 

    Izumi: Izumi, dumbass, who'd you think? The Pope? And do you ever stop talking? You've been conscious for about three minutes and for most of that you've had your mouth open. Why did I bother rescuing you? Shut up a minute, will you? 

    Katsumi: Just making up for lost time. 

Behind them, something giggles in a vacuous, high-pitched way, with undertones of slobber, lechery, chocolate and cheap plonk. Katsumi attempts to stop leaning on Izumi's shoulder and leans against the wall instead, which is only a slight improvement. In front of him a curtain opens, which of course he can't see. Izumi turns, wishing he had time to put his Addis bucket back on his head. Behind the curtain are Eri the Hutt and several other assorted weirdies, including Aya, the Groupies and Big Bird. 

    Katsumi: Oh, god. Can anyone remind me why I worked for that thing again? 

    Izumi (narrowed eyes): Money? 

    Katsumi: Oh yeah. That was it. (Rather flustered) Look. Eri. I've got the money if you'd just let me get to a cash point… um, do you take cheques? I've been kind of busy, you know, things came up… 

    Eri: nyeeheheheheheeh! Dunf'ink ser! Yar tutly'did, Shibuya! Iy'm gur-nur kil'ya. Yu'uslis nur!     (subtitle: Too little too late. You've outlived your usefulness, Shibuya.) 

    Katsumi: Look, be reasonable… 

    Eri: fu'gid's sayk giyt'im urt-uv'ere.     (subtitle – that old favourite: take him away!) 

This really isn't Katsumi's day – a couple of Groupie guards in really quite hideous makeup and brandishing zap guns manhandle him out of the room. He yells at the hideous Eri whilst trying to force the smaller Groupie to keep her hands to herself. 

    Katsumi: This is bloody stupid! I've got a credit card! 

Takafumi sighs and attempts to get Izumi out of the way by grabbing one of his arms and leading him off but it is too late, Eri has already seen his Magnetic Eyes (tm) and wants to see the rest of him. 

    Eri: 'ei! At'choo fin-yer duin'? Brin'im ere!     (subtitle: bring him to me!) 

Takafumi gives Izumi a pained glance before another guard glomps onto Izumi's other arm and drags him to the hideous Eri, who reapplies her smeared lipstick before continuing to speak. Taka peeks over Big Bird's shoulder, then ducks down again looking utterly repulsed. 

    Izumi: You're making a very big mistake. 

    Eri: Nur! Iv-iy gitjchu-ven Koji um'n'wisku yur. Vat-whr iy kiptcha ir-ta'ing Shibuya fu'su lun!     (subtitle): No I'm not. See, if I get you, then Koji will come rescue you. Why do you think I kept Shibuya all this time? 

Eri grabs the back of Izumi's head and leans toward him. Taka looks up from behind Big Bird again and quickly looks away. 

    Taka: I did NOT just see that. 

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	2. Chapter 2

Miyuki's Zetsuai Page Zetsuai 1989/Bronze   
Revenge of the Koji, Part 2 By miyuki-chan, who really should be commited for this. 

We get acquainted with a highly thrilling small dark room. Eri the Hutt didn't believe in spending money on prison cells when she could be spending it on hideous furniture, cheap plonk, chocolates and issues of 'Pretty Miss' magazine. The most high tech thing there is the door which opens with a clanking of gears in order for the Groupie guards to shove Katsumi in. Of course he falls over. It's only to be expected considering less than ten minutes ago he was stuck in a block of carbon. The door slams shut. 

    Katsumi (yelling at the departing Groupies): And another thing, I'm getting you fired for sexual harassment! 

He sits up and brushes some dirt off one arm, blinking a couple of times, then puts one hand to his throat. 

    Katsumi: Thought so… one of my stupid necklaces broke. I'll never see that again. Damn, I liked that one. 

Several small sounds can be heard from the other side of the room, including a low growl. Katsumi stands up, looking slightly tense, before laughing quietly. 

    Katsumi: It's me, you stupid dog. 

There is a brief pause before Katsumi gets pretty effectively rugby-tackled by Jesus, and ends up on the floor again after giving a small scream. Jesus may be over six feet tall, but he's still a dog and tends to be a bit… enthusiastic when greeting people. 

    Katsumi: Same old Jesus. Get off me, you throwback. 

Jesus barks several times in reply, clearly in a state of euphoria. Katsumi disentangles himself from Jesus and sits up again, brushing dog hairs off his shirt and attempting to tidy his hair with his fingers. Same old Katsumi – still utterly obsessed with his appearance. 

    Katsumi: Hold it a minute. I can't see a damn thing at the moment… what's going on? (a thought strikes him) Oh, do my clothes look okay? Do you have a hairbrush? I wish I could get changed… 

Jesus barks a bit more, gesticulating a bit (all this is, of course, lost on Katsumi). 

    Katsumi (mildly sceptical): Him? That man's a total weirdo. Don't you have to be dedicated to be a Jedi knight? Koji's a lunatic and I bet this plan of his is even stupider… what's he going to do, perform a striptease to distract Eri? 

Jesus pauses then glomps Katsumi madly, woofing again. The boy struggles a bit and pushes at him. 

    Katsumi: I'm fine! I'm fine! How many times? It bloody HURTS when you grab me like that! 

*** 

It is still dark outside Eri the Hutt's hideous pile as the virulent pink door is winched up by a couple of alien jobsworths. Taka was quite right; the cursing had been because the door had broken again. The poor things strain hard at the ropes which hold the door in position, allowing light to stream into the desert outside. Silhouetted atmospherically in the door is the crazed wannabe Jedi Koji Nanjo, his hair blowing dramatically, dressed like Kai Wan Kurosaki (robes and leather, oh yeah!). The crazy fool appears to be unarmed! Doesn't he realise Eri the Hutt's in there? The door slips down by a few inches before Koji finally decides he's done enough posing and walks purposefully through. A huge thump is heard as the relieved aliens let go of the ropes holding the door in place, and collapse exhaustedly back to the floor. 

Two guards walk up to Koji, brandishing huge laser guns (most of Eri's guards suffer badly from Weapons Overkill. Little guns are just as deadly, but NO. Massive things it has to be). Koji says something to them. They look strangely at him. He speaks again, then raises one hand and reaches inside his tunic, producing two huge bags of money, which he passes to the guards. The guards lower their guns and gesture him into the palace, then nod and run to the door, which is winched up by the perspiring aliens, and run off into the desert and FREEDOM! 

Aya walks up to him, her make-up freshly applied. She looks hideous. To his credit Koji does not wince but carries on walking, so the Groupie is forced to turn and follow him. A couple of other guards walk along behind them, mesmerised by Koji's sheer gorgeousness. 

    Koji: I have to speak with Eri. It's urgent. 

    Aya: va's ermpusibl! Ur'mugniv-vizens iz…     (subtitle: That will not be possible. Her magnificence…) 

Koji glares at the woman, going slightly cross-eyed, and raises his hand in a significant way. 

    Koji: Take me to her! I crave a DATE! 

Underhand, but it works (along with the Jedi mind manipulation, but Koji isn't very good at that as yet so he's relying on bribery and sneakiness… well, he IS a Nanjo!). Poor man… does he realise what he's just said? Even Koji's giant libido will wilt in the face of Eri the Hutt's hideousness! 

*** 

In Eri's throne room. The giant blob is back on her chaise longue, sleeping. Drool runs down her chin. Put it this way: Eri's pretty solid when she's awake, but asleep she looks like she should have planets orbiting her. Izumi is now chained to the chaise longue in the place of the dear departed Yuugo (yeah, the thing that ate him WILL make an appearance): he wears a glamorised version of his football kit – who else thought those shorts couldn't possibly get any weenier? Think again! Taka stands behind them – he cringes visibly at the sight of Koji. 

    Taka: Ah… Koji-sama's here… and just when I thought things couldn't get any worse… 

    Aya: 'eer, yam'unifizns     (subtitle: Oh Divine Eri!) 

Koji looks around for Eri, his eyes resting on the repulsively obese figure in front of him. He does a double-take and looks slightly nauseous, his expression of distaste only intensifying when the repulsive creature stirs in its nest of chocolate papers and looks crossly at Aya. Katsumi worked for this thing? Was he mad or desperate or both? Then he sees Izumi and nearly passes out. 

    Aya: Koji Nanjo, tuor-turle fr'k.     (subtitle: Koji Nanjo, Jedi Knight.) 

    Eri: urhurhurhurhurhur… e'vurnue byta-en'vafu'izh. Ut-ubut ver'dayt?     (subtitle: My goodness… he's as handsome as his holo. Does our deal still stand?) 

    Koji (dabbing at his nose in an attempt to staunch the mammoth bleed the sight of Izumi in teeny shorts brought on): I must speak to you. 

    Aya: Ai! Lys'un ta'im!     (subtitle: He must speak to you.) 

Eri sits up, angry, and Taka instantly cringes, thinking he's about to get clobbered again, and both he and Izumi watch in mild disbelief as Eri knocks Aya flying. Koji doesn't notice; he's too busy posing. 

    Eri: By'sh! Ee'zuzyn ern'ol ztryk! Ou'der ur'fulfe-r'vayt?     (subtitle: Feeble-minded fool! Being deceived by the oldest trick in the book!) 

Koji stares at Eri as if she has a Magic Eye on her forehead (Remember? I Wonder what happened to them… probably went the same way as space hoppers and hula hoops), then massages his temples. 

    Koji: You must bring Katsumi and that dog thing he hangs with here. 

    Eri: Sum'schans! Vat ztoopit zt'ryk wun-wurk wi'mey!     (subtitle: Your powers are weak, boy! Such parlour tricks will not work on me!) 

    Koji (slowly and deliberately): Are you deaf? Bring Katsumi and the others here and this situation may still work out in your favour… or prepare to feel the wrath of Koji Nanjo! 

    Taka (gesturing frantically above Eri's head): Koji-sama! Move to the left! To the left! 

    Eri: Feyk'uv! Yer'ztoopid buztid!     (subtitle: I do not make deals with the likes of you!) 

Koji attempts Jedi mind powers – a gun flies out of a guard's holster (Takafumi, stood near the guard in question, ducks in order to avoid getting clobbered by the thing) and falls neatly into Koji's hand. Koji grins. Eri growls, drooling, and reaches out to the big red Ominous Button near her chaise longue. Taka attempts more desperate sign language but it is painfully obvious that he's getting nowhere. 

    Eri: Tykv'at! 

Takafumi, who has seen it coming, jumps back a few feet, colliding with the scantily-clad Izumi just before the floor falls away and both Koji and the other guard plummet downwards, Koji reflexively firing the gun as he goes, blasting a hole out of the ceiling from which plaster, in time-honoured tradition, falls down in a humorous cascade. Eri laughs, Aya, Hisaya Fett, Big Bird and the others dutifully join in. Taka takes his nerve pills out of his pocket and swallows one. Izumi tries to get to his feet but is held back by the rather shaken Takafumi, who is still effectively sat in his lap, staring wide-eyed at the gaping hole in the floor and well aware that he nearly ended up on the lunch menu of whatever lurks down there, his helmet half coming off. Izumi pushes it back into place for him. 

*** 

Koji and the rather stupid guard (you would have thought he'd have known about the boobytraps by now, really…) have landed unceremoniously in the pit that the hapless Yuugo plummeted into earlier. The edge of the pit is rimmed with spectators. Hisaya Fett is giggling unbecomingly, Aya smiles nastily. Taka frets, as ever. The guard screams and attempts to climb the walls whilst Koji gives the assembled crowd his most manic grin and looks round the pit for an escape route… but if there was, do you think there'd be bones on the floor? C'mon Koji you're meant to be smart! 

The wall opposite Koji opens with a rumble and a huge Malis, a creature fifty percent velociraptor fifty percent yeti and a hundred percent mean-spirited, comes lumbering out. The guard continues to try to climb the walls. 

    Taka (with his unerring knack for stating the blindingly obvious): Koji-sama! That's the Malis pit! 

    Koji: Thank you, Takasaka, I never would have worked that out by myself. 

Koji takes five to give Taka a dirty look. Taka could learn a lot about dirty looks from Koji. The Malis lumbers blindly past Koji and over to the caterwauling guard, which it proceeds to eat very thoroughly. The crowd and Eri cheer, failing to realise that being eaten by the Malis is not in the guard's job description as an occupational hazard – his family will be looking at a substantial settlement from HuttCon in a few months' time. Still hungry, the Malis turns to Koji, who tries to stare it down, then, realising that isn't going to work (largely because it hasn't worked on anyone yet and it's hardly likely to work on a Malis), beats an undignified retreat, tripping over a bone which he holds like a baseball bat. The Malis stoops to try and eat Koji; Koji wallops it on the head with the bone and then runs away again – effective in its own little way. The crowd laugh. That didn't work so he decides to try and get cunning as the enraged Malis blunders after him at its top speed, which is not very fast. But hey, we've got all day or as long as it takes for him to get eaten. 

Koji, spotting a little door, hammers frantically and not entirely coolly at the 'open' button, then legs it off down the short tunnel, hoping it will be too big for the Malis to get down. Not so. The Malis might be a huge lumbering thing, but so's Eri the Hutt and all tunnels are made to accommodate her, so a mere Malis shouldn't be a problem. The Malis bears down on him whilst Koji realises there is no exit this way, just a small room where two guards were playing snap, separated from the corridor by a high-tech metal grille. One of the guards, seeing the Malis bearing down upon them, despite the barred gate, runs out of the room in blind mindless panic. The second one pokes Koji in the backside through the bars. 

    Guard: Coward! 

    Koji (angry): I am not a bloody coward! 

He notices, just above his head, a door control panel and throws the bone at it. He misses. Cursing, he retrieves the bone and tries again. He misses again. The Malis is nearly upon him when he finally hits the panel. The door starts to inch down agonisingly slowly, then, this being an Eri the Hutt door, a snapping sound is heard and the door thunders down onto the charging Malis, neatly bisecting it. Koji blinks a couple of times – he hadn't intended to kill the thing, he'd just wanted the door there whilst he tried to think of what to do next – but when he turns to the surprised guard there is a smug smile on his face as if that is what he'd intended on doing all along. 

The court is stunned. Izumi grins happily and maliciously – he fits in very well at the court of Eri the Hutt. Shame he isn't smiling at the right moments yet. Takafumi, for form's sake, pretends horror before a wine glass bounces off his helmet and into the Malis pit – Eri the Hutt has started drooling and ranting again. Any minute now back issues of 'Pretty Miss' will be flung through the air… but she checks herself. 

    Eri: Urrurrrrrrgh! Vat buztid! E'z did! E'z zur-tutly'did! (A malicious smile spreads across her huge face) Yuar… so'z iz'fwins.     (subtitle: Bring Shibuya and the carpet to me. They shall pay dearly for this affront.) 

*** 

The throne room again. Koji is dragged up a set of stairs that probably weren't there five minutes ago (Aya gives him a very hungry look) whilst Eri the Hutt's Muppet Show parts in order to allow the Groupie guards to bring Katsumi and Carpet Jesus into the room. Katsumi is still fretting over his clothing – he now thinks his jacket's torn – and Jesus needs grooming. 

    Koji: Shibuya. 

    Katsumi (weakly, grinning slightly): Hiii… 

    Koji: This is all your fault, you know? How are you, you airhead? 

    Katsumi: Okay, okay, don't rub it in, like it's my fault Takafumi's a money-grubber… and I've been a lot better, but I'm still standing, so… what the hell's going on, anyway? 

    Koji (deadpan): We're all going to die. 

    Katsumi (unsurprised): Oh – the usual, then. Seen Izumi lately? 

Koji looks at Izumi for a LOT longer than is strictly necessary. Those shorts! Damn, his blood's boiling again! He touches his nose… no, not yet, good, maybe he'll be able to restrain himself this time… all the same, Koji fishes a packet of tissues from his robes and holds one over his nose. 

    Koji (vaguely, dazed expression): Oh yeah. I've seen Izumi… quite a lot of Izumi… (Suddenly emotional, intense and not entirely sane look in his eyes) Izumi, I love you! 

    Izumi (waving, before realising that's pointless): I'm here. (Glaring at Koji) And go jump, hentai. 

Eri the Hutt has one immense hand, heavily laden with rings, bracelets and other XXL jewellery resting on his head, which just HAS to hurt. He growls slightly. Her other hand is once again forcing chocolates, some still in their wrappers, down her gaping mouth. Behind her, Taka stands, wringing his hands and wishing he could take another nerve pill. Koji is escorted across the room by the guards, including Takafumi – this looks a bit strange given that Takafumi is at least a foot shorter than Koji – to stand in front of Eri. Eri gives Takasaka a shove, and he takes a few reluctant paces forward. 

    Taka: Er. Um… that is… the Almighty Eri has decided to be merciful… and she's only going to have you killed. Um. Immediately… 

    Katsumi (ingenuously): Don't we get a last phone call? 

    Taka (panic panic): I haven't finished! And, um, so… you will be taken to the Dune Sea and thrown into the pit of… um, the pit of Carpool, the home of the Almighty AppleMac… 

    Katsumi (to Koji): Isn't that rather unimaginative? I mean, I can't see how falling down a hole… 

    Taka (trying not to cry): Katsumi, please! Um, Eri the Hutt says that once in the Almighty AppleMac's stomach, you will… and I quote… 'find a new definition of pain and suffering, as you are slowly digested over a thousand years'. 

    Katsumi: Sorry, I'm washing my hair. I think I'm free in a hundred years' time, though. Look, wouldn't it be simpler for me just to pay her? 

    Koji (shaking his head patronisingly): Big mistake, Eri. Maybe all the chocolates have addled your brain. You should have bargained. I'd have taken you to the cinema. 

Eri the Hutt laughs like a loon at this and the aliens start partying again – there's nothing like the promise of violent death to really make a party go with a bang. Izumi looks angrily at Eri (nothing new there, then), then anxiously at Jesus. Takafumi bites one of his nails, but Koji, as he is escorted out of the room, grins like the Cheshire Cat. 

*** 

The Dune Sea is so called because the sand dunes there are slightly higher than the sand dunes everywhere else and if you fall in them you sink. Yer average imaginative Tatooine landscape, then. There's no water there, unsurprisingly. The only water on Tatooine is probably imported. How anyone lives here is a mystery, how Koji's dead aunt and uncle managed to FARM there is totally unknown. But what little beauty there is in the landscape is once again totally killed by Eri the Hutt's colossal bad-taste sail barge, a gigantic bad-taste eyesore in her normal bordello decor. Koji and the others (except for Izumi in his abbreviated football kit and of course Taka the translator) are not in the barge, however, they're in a smaller flying boat thing. Koji, Katsumi and Jesus have their wrists tied. Takafumi is still in his guard disguise – no one's rumbled him yet, isn't it amazing? 

    Katsumi: I wish I could change my clothes. I don't want to die in this shirt. And my jacket's been torn. I must look a total mess. (Looking round) I can't see a damn thing. 

    Koji: You're not missing much. I grew up here. (Brashly) Stick close to Takafumi and Jesus. And relax. I've taken care of everything. 

    Katsumi: That is precisely what I'm worried about. I really think I was safer as part of the décor, but I'm sure you meant well… by the way, this AppleMac thing, is it typical of Tatooine wildlife? 

    Koji: Oh, yeah. It's a set of teeth at the bottom of a hole and it can eat just about anything. I used to throw pebbles into a little one near my house when I was a kid. It's actually considered one of the nicer native lifeforms that Tatooine has to offer. Even the bugs here are vindictive little bastards. 

    Katsumi (a small smile): That explains a lot. The more I know about this planet, the less surprised I am that you turned out the way you did. 

*** 

On Eri's opulent barge floating a few feet away. Eri is sat on a practically identical chaise longue (the main difference is there aren't quite as many chocolate papers, wine bottles and magazines strewn round it and there are fewer stains on the material). She's eating a pizza and getting most of it down her. Izumi watches her, his nose wrinkled in distaste. Who knows what depravities this huge blob will try and force on him once Koji and the others have been fed to AppleMac? Curiously he looks at Koji, who leers at him. He blushes, then makes a choking noise as Eri the Hutt yanks on the chain round his neck, pulling him backward. 

    Eri: Wur-nur pla'duk-turz, Izumi?     (subtitle: do you come here often, Izumi?) 

    Izumi (totally seriously): Only when I'm dragged here on the end of a chain. 

A few feet away, Takasaka (on his lunch hour, presumably) wanders around bumping into things like some kind of push 'n' go child's toy. Turning quickly to avoid the Groupies Yuri and Marie, he bumps into a cute little robot balancing a drinks tray on her head, knocking all the drinks to the floor. She whistles reproachfully. 

    Taka: Oh, I'm sorry, my mistake, do let me help you… (he bends down in an attempt to retrieve some of the glasses) Serika! What's happening? 

Serika bleeps a few times and blinks, looking quite adorably cute. 

    Taka (mildly affronted): There's no need to get personal. Do you know the emergency measures we have to take if this thing starts to crash? This kind of sailbarge… they're flying death-traps. This place is dangerous… and do you know what they intend on doing to Koji-sama? It's quite hideous! 

Serika rotates her head and bleeps again. 

    Taka (frowning): It'll be okay? Do you know something I don't? 

They watch as the smaller flying boat thing the others are stuck on moves toward some kind of big pit: presumably this is the pit of Carpool, the godforsaken spot the Almighty AppleMac has chosen to call home. A bit stupid really, as it has to rely on people coming along and shoving other people into it in order to get a meal. One presumes with Eri the Hutt around it's been fed quite a lot in recent months, though. And it's about to get Koji. His wrists are untied and a couple of guards shove him toward a sort of black plank thing. Eri the Hutt read Peter Pan too many times, one feels. He looks down… and there AppleMac is. It's some kind of giant mouth with teeth arrangement at the bottom of a sandy hole. What a stupid life form. How the hell does it reproduce? How does it get food when it's not shoved in? How did such a dumb organism evolve? Maybe it takes a thousand years to digest its food because it has to rely on supervillans setting up hideouts nearby and coming and dropping victims in. Or kids like Koji throwing pebbles at it. 

Anyway, back on the deck of the barge, Eri the Hutt has hefted her giant bulk off the chaise and now stands next to the observation rail, chocolate papers raining off her. Izumi stands as far away from her as is humanly possible. Eri yanks Izumi closer to her and wallops Takasaka again then shoves him toward a microphone (here come his fifteen minutes!) where he stands and fumbles with a few bits of paper he has some kind of prepared speech on. 

    Taka (head buried in his notes the way public speakers shouldn't): Um… Victims of the Almighty AppleMac and his dinner for the next thousand years, if any of you wish to appeal to the Beauteous Eri's better nature, she will listen to your pleas now. And laugh at them. Um, she hasn't got a better nature, really, has she… and don't scream too much, she says, because she has delicate ears. Um. 

On the smaller boat thingy a few feet away, Katsumi feels he has something to contribute. Doesn't he always? 

    Katsumi: Taka-chan, it's not a plea, but… am I insured against this? 

    Koji (determined to reclaim the mood): Eri! You stupid… um, what I mean is, Eri, free us or prepare to feel the wrath of a Nanjo! 

Koji glares at Takafumi. 

    Takafumi (double take, quietly): Oh. Um, Now? Right then… 

He starts walking along the edge of the flying boat thing, trying to look innocent, whilst on the barge Eri and her cohorts are once again in gales of unbecoming laughter. Geez. If she thinks this is funny then a good Eddie Izzard routine would probably kill her… if she didn't have him fed to AppleMac first considering her idea of physical comedy is probably someone getting shot. Serika meanwhile, is zipping round like a mayfly trying to get to the upper deck of the barge. 

    Eri: scyu'kk im'n!     (subtitle: Get him in.) 

Eri grins. Izumi looks as if he's about to be violently sick – Eri just TOUCHED him! Serika surfaces on the top deck and looks down at Koji, rotating her head a bit. Koji is being poked along the plank, looking aggrieved. Do these guards have NO sense of style? If he's going to die, he's going to be cool. Katsumi can scream if he wants. He sees Serika and… adjusts his hair. A small flap opens in the top of Serika's head (in summer Serika also doubles as a handy drinks cooler). 

    Eri: juyt'rid'uv im!     (subtitle: Finish it.) 

Koji, with an unbelievably pissed expression on his face, jumps off the plank in total show-off style. Cheers from Eri's crowd of malignant little trolls, but being Koji and a show-off he was, of course, just picking the most dramatic moment to fight back and he grabs the end of the plank on his way back down, gets flung back up into the air, does a somersault, a half-twist and several other forms of midair acrobatics, lands on his feet on the end of the plank and catches his lightsabre which Serika just flung at him from the hole in the top of her head, igniting it. He poses for a bit as if expecting to be awarded a 10 by an Olympic judge (he is Koji, remember?). Katsumi looks not a bit surprised at Koji's giant ego reasserting itself. A few of Eri's crowd applaud and instantly wish they hadn't. 

Koji lays into the hapless guard who tried to force him off the plank and he goes tumbling into the Almighty AppleMac who seems quite pleasantly surprised, extends a tentacle and drags him into it's gaping tooth-rimmed chops (same laws as applied to the Malis apply to AppleMac – it wasn't in his job description, so…). AppleMac's still a stupid life form, though. Takafumi somehow ends up getting into a totally pointless scuffle with another guard after Takafumi accidentally bumps into the thing, losing his helmet in the process and becoming Obviously Takafumi Yoshiya, A Rebel, which makes him a viable target too. 

Back on the barge, Eri goes into another total rage attack and Takasaka runs for cover as she flings a wine bottle in his general direction, followed by a bowl of popcorn. He takes shelter under a table. She starts growling and drooling commands to her flustered Muppets. 

Back on the floating boat again, Koji performs several totally useless but stylish Kendo moves as he drives another hapless guard into AppleMac's pit, before walking coolly over to Jesus and starting to untie him. Katsumi looks askance at him. 

    Katsumi: Is this meant to be some kind of commentary on my fighting ability? 

    Koji: Shibuya, he's over six foot tall and covered in hair as opposed to small, blonde and cute. Of course he fights better than you. 

What Koji forgot was that Eri's sailbarge has a cannon. The little flying boat thing rocks violently as shots pound into the sides and practically everyone falls over (Koji landing in a compromising position on top of a peeved Jesus; Katsumi starts laughing hysterically). Or in Takafumi's case, off. That's why you shouldn't get in fights on the edges of flying boats. Given that he has better reflexes than the dogmeat guards he grabs at a convenient rope, which probably wasn't there five minutes ago either but he's one of the heroes and as such is allowed to try and save his life in a way that Imperial cannon fodder and Eri's other guards (think the ones who aren't Takafumi Yoshiya) aren't, and clings onto it. 

    Takafumi (looking down at AppleMac): Eek. Um, help? 

A few feet away, on the barge, Hisaya Fett decides to do something conclusive, pulls down his bucket so his pretty face (ha ha) won't get damaged and ignites the rocket pack everyone had completely forgotten he had, jumping off the barge and landing on the flying boat, doing a Koji and posing shamelessly for a second, then aims his gun – a small one which looks like a grey version of the flashing space guns little boys buy from toyshops – at Koji (ooh, that scum, REAL gentlemen like Darth Akihito and Kai Wan Kurosaki fight with lightsabres). Koji turns on him, grins like a loon, and chops his gun in half. Hisaya Fett looks down in angry frustration at his ruined gun, then glares at Koji, tears in his eyes. He's a sore loser. The flying boat takes another blast from the barge's cannon, a gaping hole appears in the side, and Katsumi falls over again, despite now having his hands free which should help him balance. Technically. Be fair, he's still confused. Takasaka probably knows more about what's going on than Katsumi does. 

    Katsumi (standing up): Jesus. Oi, Jesus! Where the hell's that bloody dog? 

Jesus whimpers – he's a dog and, after all, he's hurt. 

    Katsumi: Great. Just great. Now what do I do? 

Koji is distracted momentarily and sneaky Hisaya Fett attempts to out-cool him by trying to tie him up with a wire cable hidden up one sleeve of his fashionable, armour-plated jacket, tying Koji's upper arms to his sides. That fool. He should know you CAN'T out-cool Koji and that those who try invariably end up dead… without even breaking sweat, Koji moves his lightsabre-holding wrist and cuts the cords, shrugging them off, then pushes his hair out of his face in a practiced gesture. Whilst Hisaya Fett is still seething with indignation because he really can't hack it right now, another Deus Ex Machina cannon blast hits the ship and conveniently knocks him out. He lands near Takafumi, who is still clinging to the end of his Convenient Rope. 

    Takafumi (more than mildly aggrieved, someone's throwing Hisaya Fetts at him): Katsumi, is it beyond you to give me a little help here? 

    Katsumi: Takafumi? 

The sheer intellect of the boy. Koji, meanwhile, is standing with his hair waving dramatically in the manner of all pretty-boy action heroes everywhere, as cannon shots land all around him. It's a pretty lame cannon really, that flying boat should have been out of the air long ago. Koji, posed moodily as he is, notices another boat fill of guards for him to stomp flying towards him. He jumps off the edge of the boat, loving the way his hair and cape billow as he flies through the air… unable to resist it, he does another somersault solely for effect before landing on his feet and laying into the guards. Takasaka would no doubt have something to say on the subject of such odds, but Koji starts laying waste to the cannon fodder before him. They are, after all, only here for him to kill. This is meant to be family entertainment – so how come Koji's laying into these guards like the Terminator? The body count's pretty high and the Evil Nanjo Corporation Empire's barely even shown yet! 

Jesus is still flat out on the deck, barking directions to Katsumi who stands in the middle of the deck looking pretty and panicked – not to mention totally defenceless (What was that poem parodied by Spike Milligan? It ran something like 'The boy stood on the burning deck whence all but he had fled… twit' – wonder why it seems relevant?). If Katsumi knew his right from left when he wasn't wearing a wristwatch it would help, but as it is… he practically trips over the spear Jesus had been trying to get him to pick up. Still, it works. 

Hisaya Fett who's lost his bucket and now looks five hundred times more scary for it pulls himself off the deck a few feet away and looms up menacingly in the smoke and aims his gun at Koji, who is still busy working off his excess tension by walloping guards on the other flying boat. He aims his 'lethal appendage' (a Lucasism… doesn't it sound horribly like Nancy?). Jesus starts yelping frantically at Katsumi again, who still looks totally out of his depth in spite of the spear… 

    Katsumi: Hisaya Fett? Great, can today GET any better? Where the hell IS he? 

He turns around, still not used to the idea that his eyesight's wonky, and wallops Hisaya Fett in the Rocket Pack with the spear he's holding. Sure, he'd probably have preferred a more poetic justice like beating Hisaya Fett to death with a lump of coal or even carbon freezing him and shooting him off into space for the next fifty million years, but… once again, it works. Hisaya Fett's rocket pack ignites, sending him shooting up into the air and hitting Eri's sail barge with a noise that is midway between a splat and a thunk. He falls back to the floor, rocket pack all dead now, and – what a surprise – into the pit of Carpool, home of the Almighty AppleMac. AppleMac, who really can't be a fussy eater, swallows the ex bucket-head and burps. Jesus growls happily at Katsumi. 

    Katsumi (now thoroughly confused): What'd I do? 

*** 

Back on the barge again. Izumi looks on in mild amazement at the carnage being staged. Eri is back on her chaise and everyone but manufacturers of cheap plonk and chocolates will be relieved to hear that she has only a few minutes left to live. Izumi looks in disgust at Eri again and decides to take decisive action. Running up to her throne, he – with some difficulty – wraps the chain around her throat, after conducting a brief feasibility study on where her throat actually is, then runs away again and yanks hard on the chain. Fortunately Eri is so solid there is no risk of him pulling her off the chaise. Her eyes pop open and her tongue sticks out, lolling grotesquely, she starts to make a hideous choking sound (but Takasaka, from under his table, still tries to translate it – it doesn't sound that different from her speaking voice) and thrashes around, knocking things to the floor. Eventually she slams back heavily on her chaise longue, stone dead. Izumi breathes a sigh of relief and starts trying to free himself. 

*** 

Koji is still kicking several guards into kingdom come or AppleMac, whichever's closer, whilst AppleMac itself is busily munching on Hisaya Fett, bucket and all. Katsumi, by a process of trial and error, is attempting to lower the spear down to Takafumi who must be getting serious cramps hanging onto that rope (but it's preferable to being eaten alive for the rest of your natural and, indeed, Hisaya Fett). 

    Katsumi: How about now? 

    Takafumi: Better! But it needs to be lower! 

    Katsumi: I'm out of spear this end! Can't you climb up the rope again? 

    Takafumi: If I could do that, why would I still be hanging on the end of it, genius? 

Finally, the relentless gun barrage actually has an effect! But at exactly the WRONG time. The entire boat thing tips onto one side and something has to give. Sadly for Takafumi it's his handy rope… this just HAS to be the Gods of Shibuya getting some payback; he ends up clinging to the edge of the pit of Carpool, horribly close to AppleMac's mouth. Katsumi hasn't exactly got it easy either, the only thing that stopped him from ending up joining Hisaya Fett inside the Almighty AppleMac was catching one foot on the edge of a railing which just has to hurt. Jesus clings to the deck frantically as the gunners start to get motivated again. 

    Katsumi (suffering from his uke dress sense which wasn't meant to be worn upside down): Well, this is embarrassing… I should have tucked my shirt in. (Suddenly realising he's having another near death experience) Jesus, I'm about to die here! 

    Takafumi (blind mindless panic time): YOU'RE about to die? 

Jesus glomps onto one of Katsumi's ankles, which is better than nothing really. And also just has to hurt. 

    Katsumi (trying to ignore a major head rush): Right, where were we? Let's try this again… grab it, for God's sake! 

Koji finally stops kicking major ass (he's not been taking this seriously!), poses moodily again, his cape flies up and hits him in the face – the wind's finally blowing in the wring direction for the Rebellion's greatest poseur. Angrily, he shoves it away, then finally gets a good look at Katsumi and Takafumi either being totally idiotic or trying to stay alive depending on your point of view, and getting shot at for their pains. Koji, still being brave and showing off something terrible, jumps off the flying boat and lands Spiderman-Style on the edge of Eri's barge, climbing slowly up the side. Next to him, a window breaks as a reveller flies through it backwards (that'll teach HIM to diss the Groupie dress sense). Koji climbs through it, cursing as he severely rips his robes. 

Takafumi has just about managed to stop himself from ending up on AppleMac's dessert menu by staying very still, Only trouble is, he's on sand. If he moves, he starts sliding. Katsumi tries the spear again – he's still thinking pretty logically and lucidly for someone who's upside-down. 

    Katsumi (looking on the bright side): You almost had it. 

    Takafumi: Yeah, but I don't any more! 

    Katsumi lowers the thing still further and Takafumi finally manages to grab at it. 

    Katsumi: Better. Right. Jesus, if you let go, I'll do something violent. Now… 

Takafumi screams – one of AppleMac's tentacles has grabbed him round the ankle and is engaged in an unorthodox tug-of-war with Katsumi and Jesus. Takafumi is, naturally, not all that thrilled. Nor is Katsumi, who gestures at Jesus. No mean feat when you're upside-down, clinging one-handed to a spear which is supporting the weight of a grown man (even if the man in question is Takafumi and there ain't that much of him) and blinded. Not bad for a traditional uke (as opposed to Izumi who's a more untraditional uke), is it? 

    Katsumi: Jesus, do you still have that gun? Pass it here, would you? Thanks. 

    Takafumi (spotting the logistical flaw here): Wait. Can you actually SEE me? 

    Katsumi: Cool it; I know what I'm doing. 

    Takafumi (near hysterical): I doubt it! You're aiming at my head, you moron! Higher! 

Katsumi has the decency to blush before adjusting his aim. Fortunately he's always been pretty good with guns… but that doesn't stop Takafumi from closing his eyes and ducking down as far as he can before Katsumi fires the gun – and he actually hits the tentacle, which lets go of Takafumi's leg. Good job too. Takafumi was beginning to get uncomfortable flashbacks to some of the hentai his best friend had… 

    Katsumi: See, I told you I could do it. 

    Takafumi (still pretty scared): That's positively gratuitous! 

    Katsumi: Whatever. Jesus, get us out of here or I really will do something violent! 

*** 

On the deck, things are about to get downright nasty for Jesus and the other two being as the men at the gun, trigger-happy meatheads that they are, have them in their sights, only to be distracted by more Deus Ex Machina action, this time in the shape of Koji, who's still not had enough of posing moodily with the lightsabre for all that his cape's ripped from climbing through the window, he's bruised, pretty tired, his hair's rapidly getting tangled by all the dramatic breezes that have been blowing through it, his nail varnish is chipped and all his lipstick's come off. The two guards stare at him for a beat before going for their pistols. Sadly the teeny pause was enough for Koji to turn both of them into shish kebab with Flashy Kendo. Spotting two more guards running at him, he smiles; his fun clearly isn't over yet! 

*** 

Back inside the barge, Izumi is still chained to the huge fat mountain that is the dead Eri the Hutt. He's clearly rather ticked off with the chains which he is trying to pull apart with his bare hands. 

    Izumi (cross): Will you just BREAK already? She's beginning to stink! 

Eri always stank, but the smell's intensifying; it's making Izumi feel decidedly lightheaded when Serika the cyborg version of the Swiss Army Knife zips up to him and lifts one hand, a small cutting device coming out of one finger with which she cuts the chain in half. 

    Izumi: Where's that moron Koji? Showing off? We've got to get out of here before this thing crashes. Did Takasaka tell you about the safety record these things have? 

Serika wisely ignores him and zips toward an emergency exit (with green neon sign above it), closely followed by Izumi. Takasaka, still under his table, has met a small, red, birdlike creature and is in difficulties – the thing pecks at one of his eyes despite his attempts to bat it off, and breaks one of the lenses in his glasses. 

    Taka (indulging in pique): You broke my glasses! You vandal! 

Serika is about to intervene but before she can, he pulls the red bird creature off him and throws it out of the window – and probably past a confused Takafumi and into AppleMac – then scrambles out from under the table and the three of them run off to the emergency exit. 

*** 

Back on deck Koji fights yet another battle against huge odds… yawn, yawn. He should let someone else have a go. He may be a Jedi but this is blatant favouritism, can't Takafumi get a decent fight (no, he's hanging from a spear over the pit of Carpool)? Or Katsumi? (nope likewise – he's also in a rather awkward position. Literally). Koji's starting to look slightly less than collected when Izumi appears, though… and after he does the wannabe Jedi has difficulty keeping his mind on the battle and looks much less than collected! He looks over the deck, taking the opportunity afforded to gawk at Izumi who really isn't wearing very much. Izumi goes red. 

    Izumi (crossly, blushing): Koji, will you PLEASE try to keep your mind on the job! 

    Koji (eyes glazed): Izumi, you're beautiful… I love you; don't leave me… (Shaking himself) oh, yeah, the battle… point the gun at the deck! I'm going to crash this monstrosity! 

Izumi scrambles up onto the cannon and Koji the hentai gawks at his legs, belatedly remembering about the guard. There's only one left, but he shoots Koji in the hand (the fake one) anyway. Koji yells – he believes in yelling when he's hurt – then hacks the man, who was only doing his job after all, to bits. He checks his hand. His nail varnish is ruined, but the hand is still operational. 

A few feet away, Serika stands by the rail of the ship and looks reproachfully at Takasaka who doesn't seem to want to play. 

    Taka: But I'm scared of falling! And I can't afford to see my analyst any more than I do already! Jumping off here will give me traumas for weeks! 

He takes a few paces back as Serika blunders forward with a reproachful bleep and topples over the edge, then runs over to Koji, who is also running to Izumi. Taka tags along when Koji makes it to the gun and grabs another convenient rope, then tries to put his arm round Izumi. 

    Izumi: No way. 

    Koji (happy, he's got Izumi trapped): I'm going to blow the entire ship up. If you don't come with me you'll die, and there's no other rope. 

    Izumi (angry, yelling): Okay. If you insist! But no groping, got that? 

Izumi grudgingly lets Koji put his arm round his waist. The whole thing would be very romantic if it wasn't for Taka who, having refused to jump, can see no other way off the ship, and has managed to get over his anxieties about touching people to cling onto Koji with his eyes shut. Koji gives him a dirty look, then kicks at the gun and swings away from the deck, Tarzan-style. Izumi hits him for his wandering hands whilst Taka whimpers in fear. 

*** 

Koji and Izumi land on the flying boat thing, which is the only craft that's still even partly intact, Taka climbing off Koji when they land and looking round himself anxiously before taking off his glasses to check them for damage. Jesus helps Takafumi back onto the craft whilst Katsumi pulls his shirt back down, adjusts his remaining necklace and tidies his hair again. Takafumi, back on fairly solid ground again, rubs one shoulder with his other hand and winces. 

    Koji: Right. Let's get out of here. Don't forget Serika. 

Katsumi (looking round and blinking): Is Taka-chan here? 

    Koji: Unfortunately, yes. 

    Katsumi: Don't be like that. He's cute. I like him. 

    Koji: Tell me, Shibuya, why did we go to all this trouble to rescue you? You're even more irritating than I remembered you as being. 

    Takafumi (eyes narrowed): When you two have quite finished, we'll be off, shall we? 

The sail barge starts to explode dramatically as Koji (well, he had to show off again with the wind in his hair and robes, didn't he?) pilots the flying boat thing away from it, picking up Serika on a handy electromagnet as he goes. The huge monstrosity burns rapidly. The best thing about it is that the end of the barge means the end of one of the greatest moving edifices to bad taste the galaxy has ever seen, as well as the idiotic 'princess of crime' Eri the Hutt along with all the debts Katsumi has incurred for the last few years. The thing falls out of the sky, landing with a colossal wumph of sand, and continues to burn merrily away as the ill-matched group that is the hardcore rebellion speeds away from it. 

*** 

This is a sandstorm. You can tell because: 1. There's a lot of sand. 2. There's a lot of wind. 3. It's bloody noisy. Lovely Tatooine weather. I'm sure rain would have been preferable, at least when it rains you only get wet. But in a sandstorm you get sand everywhere, like after a day at the beach only half as fun. In the middle of this rather appalling weather (ahem), the hardcore members of the rebellion are trying to walk. Are they all mad? (yes. Next question?). 

Serika goes first, being a totally insane little robot. Katsumi, who isn't quite sure if his eyes are getting any better or not, follows her, helped (not a lot) by Takafumi. Takasaka follows a few paces behind. Koji attempts to put his arm round the still horribly scantily clad Izumi who can't be enjoying this at all, to protect him from the storm. Izumi wallops him on the head and stalks off, Koji trailing after him. Jesus tags along last. A few feet away the shape of the parked Pneumonium Penguin can be seen, as well as Koji's X-Wing spaceship. 

    Taka (a moan): I can't see a thing without my glasses. 

    Katsumi: You can't see either, huh? Damn, I was going to ask you what was happening. All I know is it's bloody noisy… 

    Koji: Katsumi, nobody can see a thing. We're in the middle of a sandstorm. 

The group take shelter from the sand and weather next to the Pneumonium Penguin whilst Taka fumbles for the entry switch, finally locating it and watching in mild relief as the ramp comes down. Katsumi turns to Koji. 

    Koji (mildly smug): Now do you believe me when I say I had it all under control? 

    Katsumi: Okay, okay. You had it all under control. There was no need for the showing off but I guess you're right. Thanks, by the way, that carbon stuff was beginning to get really annoying. 

    Koji: So it wasn't like being asleep? 

    Katsumi (frowning): No. If you want to know what it was like… well, try closing your eyes and standing dead still for weeks on end and you'll be getting there. I'm thinking of having that mercenary Takafumi try it. 

    Takafumi (mildly upset): You'll be nagging me for the rest of my life about this, won't you? And look who's talking, it's better than being a smuggler. At least I never worked for Eri the Hutt. 

Koji turns, only to get massively glomped by the overenthusiastic Jesus. Katsumi laughs. Koji pushes away from Jesus and turns to Izumi, who smiles at him, but that's about it. Koji looks at him as if waiting for something. 

    Koji: Hug? 

    Izumi (crossly): Go to hell. 

He walks past Katsumi and Takafumi and into the Pneumonium Penguin. The others exchange glances, Takafumi shrugs – he doesn't get Izumi at all. 

    Koji: Well, I'll see you all around then. 

    Katsumi (blinking): Hey. Where're you running off to? 

    Koji: I'm going to get bored rigid on the nature of the Force by a verbal dyslexic who lives in a damp and humid swamp. 

He walks off to his spaceship with Serika in tow, Taka waves her bye-bye before walking into the Penguin with the others – they end up standing in the entrance hall. Takafumi tries to shake sand out of his hair whilst Katsumi brushes it off his clothing. Izumi watches from a few feet away, uke vanity confuses him. 

    Katsumi (not quite sure what to say to Takafumi): Um. Right. 

    Takafumi: Look, I'm sorry, okay? But you like me, don't you? I mean, if you didn't, you'd just have let me get eaten by AppleMac. Right? 

    Katsumi: You're a total ass, Takafumi, and I don't trust you much further than I can throw you, but I wouldn't have let AppleMac eat you, if only because it ate Hisaya Fett and I wouldn't wish a lifetime with him on anyone. 

He turns as if to leave, then changes his mind and walks over to Takasaka who is examining his broken glasses and looks intently at him before he glomps the startled man. Takafumi laughs. 

    Takafumi: What was that for? 

    Katsumi: He looks so cute without the glasses on. 

    Taka (sweatdrop): I see your eyesight's getting better then. 

    Katsumi: No, don't put them back on. They're bust anyway. 

*** 

The blackness of space again. Koji flies his X-Wing (with Serika sticking out of the top) one way, whilst the Pneumonium Penguin sets off in another. God knows who's flying the thing, Katsumi's probably getting changed or taking a shower. Izumi's definitely getting changed. At the controls of his little spaceship, Koji speaks to the others over his radio. 

    Koji: I'll see you all later. I've got something to do. 

    Izumi (over radio): Something to do? What, relieve your sexual frustration? 

    Koji: I wouldn't HAVE sexual frustration if you'd come across every now and then. Or if Katsumi would do it. Or if you both would. You could ask Takafumi… 

    Izumi (over radio): In your dreams, Koji Nanjo. 

    Katsumi (over radio likewise): Buy an inflatable doll if you're frustrated. And you could've gone with Eri the Hutt. 

    Koji (sighing): I'll meet you back at the fleet, okay? 

    Izumi: Bye. 

The radio goes dead. Koji sighs, thinking of Izumi in the costume Eri gave him. Koji's beginning to suspect that he'll never see so much of Izumi's legs ever again. Izumi doesn't seem to want to end up with anyone and Katsumi's… well, Katsumi's Katsumi and for all that he's cute, he's just not a sexual creature. He is interrupted by Serika bleeping. 

    Koji: Yeah, we're going to see Kyoichiro. So be prepared for boredom. 

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	3. Chapter 3

Miyuki's Zetsuai Page Zetsuai 1989/Bronze   
Revenge of the Koji, Part 3 By miyukichan 

Ah, finally… back to the colossal intergalactic building site that is the Death Porsche Mark II with AM-FM stereo and metallic paintwork. The builders must be on strike, it doesn't look any more completed than it did last time we saw it, though it hasn't actually been that long – it just felt like it. The little green moon still hangs prettily behind it as yet more huge, sleek ships move slowly through the stratosphere like predatory stingrays. There is a strange feeling of déjà vu as another little shuttle is escorted to the huge Death Porsche… only this time there are four TIE fighters flanking it. Clearly, the visiting dignitary is more important than Darth Akihito… but who can it be? 

Inside the ship, another welcome party has been arranged, this time with the assistance of Darth Akihito, in full dress uniform and bucket. Thousands of Evil Galactic Nanjo Corporation Empire Stormtroopers have been lined up in the room so that one person can get out of a shuttle and walk down a clear space between them, then they can all go and carry on with whatever it was they were doing before they were so rudely interrupted to come and stand in the docking bay. 

Darth Akihito, followed by Commander Jamjar, who is now a nervous wreck of the Takasaka school (except he doesn't know over six million forms of communication, or have a Katsumi on his back – sometimes quite literally), walk up to the shuttle. The door opens, a ramp extends, and four men who look very similar to Darth Akihito except that they wear red, stand in a square. The bored Stormtroopers come to attention and… 

Emperor Hirose appears. The emperor is a man in his mid-thirties, immaculately dressed in a sharp suit. Darth Akihito and Commander Jamjar both fall to their knees in front of him. Hirose's expression does not change. 

    Hirose: Get up, Akihito. 

Darth Akihito does so and starts walking next to Hirose. Jamjar and the others stay kneeling until the emperor and his hangers-on, including a tall man in an ill-fitting Stormtrooper outfit, make their way past, then join in the procession. The other Stormtroopers continue to stand to attention – but if they think their arms hurt, they should try being Takafumi hanging on the end of a rope. 

    Darth Akihito (slightly muffled): Hirose, can I take the helmet off? 

    Hirose (impassive as ever): If you must. 

Darth Akihito removes the helmet and carries it casually by his side as he walks out of the docking bay with the emperor, totally oblivious to the high ceremonial nature of his surroundings and the procession forming behind them. 

    Darth Akihito (mad grin): Commander Jamjar assures me the Death Porsche will be operational on schedule, aniki. I'll kill him if it isn't. 

    Hirose: Good. I would like you to continue searching for Koji. 

    Darth Akihito: Can I kill him when I find him? 

    Hirose (slightly sharply): No. Let him come to us, then we can tempt him with the power of the Dark Side. Koji will be attracted to it. 

    Darth Akihito: Why can't I kill him? 

    Hirose: Because it's not politic. 

    Darth Akihito (whiny): But I want to kill him, Hirose. 

    Hirose: Not yet. Patience is a virtue, Akihito. 

    Darth Akihito: But it's boring. (Evil look) Where's Kurauchi? 

    Hirose (to the uncomfortable-looking Stormtrooper walking nearby): Look, he doesn't bite. You can take off that Stormtrooper uniform. 

    Kurauchi (muffled, from within Stormtrooper helmet): I exist only to serve you, my lord. 

    Hirose: Then take off the Stormtrooper outfit; you're making yourself look foolish. Akihito, go and torture a few prisoners or something. I'll call you if I need you. 

The door to the docking bay shuts behind them, and thousands of saluting Stormtroopers drop their arms and begin to make their way out of the room, talking desultorily amongst themselves about whether or not that was really the emperor because he was a lot shorter than I thought he would be… 

*** 

From high-tech to low-tech… Kyoichiro the Jedi Master's little shack in the middle of a muddy swamp that will later become the Bog of Eternal Stench in Labyrinth. Jim Henson believes in recycling his props as well as his Muppets. Outside the shack Serika sits and rotates her head a couple of times before whistling mournfully. Inside the tiny house cursing can be heard as Kyoichiro bangs his head on the ceiling again. 

    Koji: Kyoichiro, why do you live in such a tiny house when you're almost as tall as I am? 

    Kyoichiro: Canon it is. 

Inside the house Koji is wedged uncomfortably in a corner, his head brushing against the ceiling, as a mildly peeved Kyoichiro makes his way across the floor with the help of the Canonical Walking Stick he really doesn't seem to need. In the interests of staying faithful to George Lucas, he wears a hessian sack over his normal black jumper and sports a pair of Mr. Spock ears painted green (if you think he looks weird, just imagine what Kimie Mori's going to look like in an orange jumpsuit… well, okay, so it's probably not as weird as Kyo in hessian and green ears). In an attempt to look older he has upended a bag of flour into his hair. 

    Koji (frowning from his corner): The flour was a mistake. 

    Kyoichiro: Know it I do. But die I must in about ten minutes so old I must look. 

    Koji (teenage arrogance): You already look old. 

    Kyoichiro: When thirty years old you reach, totally debauched you will look. Seen it with the force I have. Mm! Mm! 

    He makes his way over to the untidy bed. He's just like Eri the Hutt but at least it's only blankets, a coke can and a couple of empty crisp packets rather than entire pizzas and chocolate wrappers from ten years ago. He collapses unceremoniously on the bed and disappears into a mini mushroom cloud of flour which subsides a few minutes later. 

    Kyoichiro: Right. In bed I am. (he looks at his watch) Seven minutes and two seconds I have. Talk we must on the nature of the Force. 

    Koji (big sigh): Not again. 

    Kyoichiro: Enjoy I do not wasting my last moments on this pointless conversation. In a bar I would rather be, a huge drinks bill running up. But have it we must. That is the way of the Force. 

    Koji (stubborn): But I want more training. I've got to beat Darth Akihito and… his helmet… (losing his cool) it scares me… 

    Kyoichiro: No more training do you need. 

    Koji: Then I can tell that little airhead Shibuya to stop saying 'you, a Jedi knight?' and bursting out laughing every time I mention the Force to him? 

    Kyoichiro: A Jedi you are not yet. 

    Koji ('I knew it' glare): Bugger. I really want to get that boy with the Force. 

    Kyoichiro: Confront Darth Akihito and his helmet you will. Vanquish the helmet you must. Only then a Jedi will you be. And settling petty scores the Force is not for. Taller than Shibuya you are for a reason. In some cases, threat is better than Force, and such a case Shibuya is. 

    Koji: Ah yes. Darth Akihito. Is that lunatic really my brother? 

Kyoichiro looks at his watch again and taps it. He clearly wants to get the dying bit over with so he can start appearing in shimmers with Kai Wan Kurosaki. He smiles slightly – shame Kimie isn't here, Kyo is one of his semes and he'd probably have gone silly over this. 

    Kyoichiro: Five minutes have I. Soon shut up I can. 

He smiles again. Koji growls. 

    Koji: Well? Am I related to that little freak? 

    Kyoichiro: Beware the power of the dark side you must, Koji… 

    Koji (losing his temper): Is Darth Akihito my brother? And I want a yes or no answer, not a long discussion on the nature of the force! 

    Kyoichiro (struggles with the natural instinct to ramble on): The Force is strong with your fam… damn. Yes I mean. And Emperor Hirose your oldest brother is. 

Silence: Koji is in shock – he looks far less cool than he normally does so you can tell. 

    Kyoichiro: Show you his business card did he? 

    Koji: Just before he cut my hand off. 

    Kyoichiro: Wait you should have. Unfortunate it is that you rushed to fight him. Tell you when you were drunk I would have. Kinder it would have been. Drunker you could have got. Uncomplete your training was. Kicked his ass you could have, better at Kendo are you. But strong is Darth Akihito with the Dark Side. Incest, jealousy, insanity all the Dark Side are. Choose the Dark Side you must not or dominate your life it will. 

    Koji: Look, are you going to die or not? 

    Kyoichiro: Die I will. But first listen you must. Defeat your brothers you must, but obey not the call of the Dark Side. In thirty seconds the last of the Jedi will you be. Good pose, is it not? But others you must train… Koji… there is… another… Jedi and proto-Nanjo… 

    Kyoichiro slumps down onto the bed, more flour flies in the air. As Koji watches, the man disappears before his eyes to spare our Koji the trouble of getting his hands dirty and actually having to dig a grave. Just a Jedi perk, we presume. 

*** 

Koji walks out of the house, not even noticing when he bangs his head on the door and ignoring a mud-spattered Serika's bleepy whistling complaint about having fallen in the swamp a couple of times. Koji begins to perform the pre-flight checks on his X-Wing then throws his spanner into the swamp and curses fluently. 

    Koji: I can't do it. I've got no work ethic if no one nags me twenty-four seven. Even Shibuya can't manage that… 

    Mysterious (and familiar) Voice: Kyoichiro will… 

    Koji: Who the hell are you and where… 

He turns around to see Kai Wan Kurosaki leaning against a tree, posed heavily. Koji learnt posing from an expert. Unfortunately Kai Wan kind of passed on about two days after Koji first met pain in the ass Katsumi, who Koji would probably far rather had passed on instead even if Kai Wan did act like he hated Koji with a passion (because he does), but he's still allowed to make these cameo appearances… 

    Kai Wan (waving at him): Over here, idiot. Kyoichiro will always be with you, though why you'd want that pain in the ass hanging round you for all time I don't know. I should know, I've gotta put up with him forever now. 

    Koji: Kai Wan, you bastard! Why didn't you tell me about Darth Akihito? You told me he killed my family! 

    Kai Wan (pouting): Lesson one of dealing with people. Don't believe everything they say. Darth Akihito and Emperor Hirose are screwups. Bigger than you are, even. You really think I wanted to reveal you shared a gene pool with them? Besides, if you hadn't tormented Akihito so much when he was a child he'd never have felt the need to wear a bucket and rampage round the universe killing things. 

    Koji: So it's all my fault is it? 

    Kai Wan: Some of it is. Some of it's mine. I admit it was a mistake to send him the Do It Yourself Guide to Joining the Evil Empire and Ruling The Entire Galaxy as a birthday present, but how was I to know he'd take it seriously? (Crossly) It's a joke book, for Christ's sake! 

Koji, utterly amazed, comes and sits on a log nearby whilst Kai Wan lights a spiritual cigarette and leans back against the tree. Doesn't matter that the tree's in the land of the living and Kai Wan's more sort of not. That is the way of the Force, dontcha know? 

    Kai Wan (putting the cigarettes away): I'd offer you one but they're ethereal. (Louder) When I first knew him, believe it or not, Akihito actually had a sense of humour. When we were training as Jedi and practicing thought control on our parents and seeing if they'd let us stay out late, not that I gave a damn about whether they let me or not, we used to talk about taking over the entire galaxy. It was funny. But one night, we both got dead drunk and he put a black bucket on his head and asked me if it made him look scarier. Like an idiot I said yes. Next thing I knew he was trying to strangle people using thought control. 

    Koji: What a dumbass! 

    Kai Wan: Of course. (Totally serious) Never put a bucket on your head, Koji, it's amazing how quickly the Dark Side starts to seem appealing. I tried it once but took it off because a chick walked into the room and what's the point of dyeing your hair blonde if the girls can't see it? 

    Koji: What if he takes the bucket off? 

    Kai Wan: Oh, the Dark Side still seems appealing. Darth Akihito's totally insane, Koji, and he can't be turned back to the good side of the force. Emperor Hirose holds him in thrall. 

    Koji (shuddering): But I can't fight him. That helmet… 

    Kai Wan: It's destiny. Worse, it's canon. 

    Koji: But he kicked my ass last time! 

    Kai Wan: Koji. You're far better at Kendo than Darth Akihito is. Better even than emperor Hirose. The Force will be important in the battle but don't forget the importance of Kendo. It's not just mind games and throwing things round using ESP. Some of it comes down to how good you are at doing fancy things with swords. And you're better than good, Koji, even with that artificial hand of yours. But get it fixed before the fight or prepare to get caned again. 

    Koji: Last time was different. (Standing, infatuated gleam in his eyes) I had to rescue Izumi! Oh, and the others, of course… 

    Kai Wan (stubbing out the ethereal cigarette on the all too solid tree): Didn't work, did it? He had to rescue you and you've only just sorted out the resulting Katsumi problem. (sighing) still, I suppose that kid would have gotten in deep anyway at some stage, it's what happens when you owe Eri the Hutt. 

    Koji (curious): Isn't killing your aniki bad form? 

    Kai Wan (grinning): Admit it, you want to do it. 

Koji nods soberly then turns to leave before another thought strikes him. Kai Wan is still leaning against the tree, nonchalant, though he looks as if he is still waiting for something. Of course he is or he'd have vanished off into the ether to do whatever it is dead Jedi do when they're not revealing plot developments or giving pep talks. 

    Koji: Who's the other Jedi Kyoichiro spoke of? 

    Kai Wan: The other he spoke of is your fiancé . 

    Koji (bewildered): Fiancé? I'm not engaged. 

    Kai Wan: No, you wouldn't have been told. You wouldn't have wanted anything to do with the person if it had been announced to you. Being the way you are, Koji, I think they probably hoped that you'd just run into your fiancé by coincidence and fall for them through sheer stubbornness even though they repeatedly told you to get bent… am I being obvious enough or do you want it simpler? I hope not, that was an opening big enough to drive a Mack truck through. 

    Koji: Izumi? I'm engaged to Izumi? 

Kai Wan nods. Koji blinks a couple of times then a Happy Hentai Grin spreads across his features as he realises the potential this affords him… of course now we've revealed that all those who are getting fed up with Koji and Kai Wan Kurosaki will be happy to know that, come the video release, you'll be able to skip el boring explanation and fast-forward to the next scene which is a good one and has Katsumi, Takafumi and the power of Kawaii instead of Koji, Kai Wan (for all that he's kind of cute himself), and the Force. 

Kai Wan stifles a yawn and takes a bit of paper bearing the legend 'Ludicrously Contrived George Lucas Stylee Plot Development #364' from his robes. He starts to read from it. 

    Kai Wan: Basically, and here comes the boring bit, because the Jedi are such a dying breed an advantageous match was engineered between your family and Izumi's as both possess strong Jedi blood. The fact that you're both men doesn't mean much in this day and age considering that with modern technology we can easily just genetically engineer the sprogs… (realising that Koji isn't listening) yes, it's amazing what a bent paper clip and an avocado will do these days and did you know you're one of the biggest pains in the ass it's ever been my misfortune to encounter and you're not listening to a word I'm saying, are you? 

    Koji (big ol' uke eyes, sappy smile, little comic hearts fluttering round his head): I'm engaged to Izumi. 

    Kai Wan (sighing): Incredible. 

If Kai Wan weren't ethereal himself, he'd hit Koji. As it is he has to wait a good half-hour, during which he gets incredibly bored and eventually starts playing Tetris on a Gameboy, for Koji to snap out of his Izumi-induced daze and shake himself, then turn back to the conversation. 

    Koji (blinku): Sorry, you were saying? 

    Kai Wan (putting the Gameboy away): You can't tell him yet. If you do, he'll put himself in danger. Because he'll try to run away from you and probably straight into the clutches of Darth Akihito. You can't let him get involved, he hasn't been trained in the ways of the Force even though it's strong with him. Anyway if emperor Hirose gets wind of it… bad things could happen and you know exactly what I mean by bad things. Kill Darth Akihito, chuck his helmet into deep space, then tell Izumi, okay? Look, I've got things to do, see you later, I won't miss you, don't bother trying to get in touch, I'll show up when I want to talk to you. So none of this Kai Wan I can't hack it crap, copy? Later. 

*** 

Back in outer space again. This is the rebel fleet, the ships are consequently less predatory-looking and generally cool. Okay, so they're not as rubbishy as Hisaya Fett's ship was, but they're still not that good. Still, there are a lot of them and if you can't go for quality, quantity'll do. Inside the biggest ship most of Our Rebels lurk in some kind of lecture theatre, together with other assorted weirdies (The Great Gonzo, Fozzie Bear and the Cookie Monster are representing the mighty Muppet race). Those of you who know your Bronze might be a little alarmed by the presence of Kimie Mori – the sixteen year old in Koji's band who blushes easily – in an orange flight suit... In the middle of the room is a projection of the Death Porsche. Takafumi picks his way through the crowds, spotting Jesus and Prince Izumi. Serika is hassling Taka, who, having had his glasses fixed in the interim, is sat next to Katsumi (who, needless to say, has changed his clothes – probably more than once – since escaping from Eri the Hutt). Katsumi is drawing a picture of Hotohori in his notebook. He looks up when Takafumi sits next to him. 

    Katsumi: Oh, hi. Don't let the promotion go to your head. 

    Takafumi (mock innocent): Me? Do I look like that kind of person? 

    Katsumi (turning his attention back to his drawing): Yes. Next question? 

    Takafumi: Who are you drawing? 

    Katsumi: Hotohori. It was going to be Nuriko but the face went wrong. By the way, I think you're totally cracked for wanting to go and try to blow up the Death Porsche. 

    Takafumi (smiling): They asked you first, didn't they? 

    Katsumi (without looking up): Yeah. But I said no. Because I'm sane. 

The room falls silent as an Ozaki Tart in her mid thirties sweeps dramatically onto the stage. This is Mon Ayako, a member of the Groupie race wearing Hooker-dress suitable for a woman of her age. She is leader of the Alliance. Following in Mon Ayako's wake are two high-ranking personages, General Moody and Admiral Taskbar. General Moody is grinning inanely. Admiral Taskbar looks like a haddock that has been forced into a uniform. 

    Mon Ayako: Okay people, shut up a minute will ya? Thanks. Right. Emperor Hirose has screwed up, totally and utterly, and the time has come for us to make our move. 

Mon Ayako turns to the holographic Death Porsche and it's attendant Pretty Pointless Planet as her audience mutter to each other. 

    Mon Ayako (waving a pointy stick around like a demented weathergirl): Right. Hasul spies have brought us data pinpointing the specifications and exact location of the Death Porsche Mark II including the fact that the weapons systems on the thing aren't working yet, a rather stupid blunder on the contractors' part, but it serves them right for getting the thing done on the cheap. The Evil Galactic Nanjo Corporation Imperial fleet is all over the shop at the moment because we've got 'em scared and Emperor Hirose is personally overseeing the final phases of the Death Porsche's construction. Which was dead dumb. Admiral Taskbar? 

The haddock in uniform walks up to the hologram whilst the room erupts in chatter. As is normal in lectures, only about half the audience are listening. He tries to take Mon Ayako's pointy stick but she pulls it out of his reach and pouts. 

    Taskbar: Thank you. As you can see from the model, the Death Porsche is currently orbiting the forest moon of Entropy. The Evil Galactic Nanjo Corporation Empire, unfortunately, is not totally stupid so even though the station's not operational a defence shield has been put in place from the forest moon of Entropy which must be deactivated if the Death Porsche is to be destroyed. Once the shield is down, a strike force of fighters will fly in to try to detonate the main reactor. General Yoshiya has volunteered to lead the strike force. General Moody. 

Katsumi looks up from his picture of Hotohori and gives Takafumi an amazed look whilst Moody takes Taskbar's place in front of the assembled rebels. 

    Katsumi (to Takafumi, eyes wide): You really ARE totally mental, aren't you? Jesus. Good luck. 

    Takafumi (noncholant): I fancied killing myself. 

    Katsumi: You'd have had to! 

    Moody: Highly trained Rebel Juvenile Delinquents have hotwired a small Evil Galactic Nanjo Corporation Imperial shuttle which will be disguised as a cargo shuttle. Using secret, uh… Imperial code (he flushes, a few rebels giggle, others grin, Prince Izumi looks disgusted, Katsumi blushes, as does Kimie Mori) a strike team will land on the moon and destroy the generator. 

    Izumi: Dangerous. What kind of lunatic would do something like that, Katsumi? 

    Katsumi (looking at the ceiling): uh… yeah… I dunno… why look at me like that? Hehe… 

    Moody: General Shibuya, are you ready? 

Izumi blinks a couple of times. Katsumi, deeply embarrassed, looks down. 

    Katsumi (looking at Izumi and blushing again): Okay, okay! So sue me already! (calming down a bit) Yeah, kind of, but I need a team for the shuttle. Jesus the Throwback says he'll do it, but… 

    Izumi (shrugging): Sounds kind of fun. 

    Loud and Highly Familiar Voice: Whatever's going on, I demand glory too! 

They turn. A couple of rebels giggle nervously, one or two cheer half-heartedly after finding themselves on the wrong end of patented Death Glares. Katsumi bursts out laughing. Koji spots Izumi and runs toward him, then glomps him massively, knocking him over. Mon Ayako stares at him in amazement. 

    Koji (tearing up): Izumi, how I have missed you! 

    Izumi (bapping him over the head with the skillet he keeps in his shorts): Hentai! Get off! 

    Katsumi (waving from all of two feet away, eyes closed): Hiii, Ko-chan! 

    Koji (wearily): Hello, Shibuya. 

Serika bleeps happily at Takasaka, who is wringing his hands again and looks like he wants to hand in his notice on the spot. If he had a notice to hand in he probably would. 

    Taka (looking fearful): No, I'm not excited… I'm an interpreter. I'm not supposed to get in these situations! 

*** 

In the docking bay a short while later, full of ships, a legalised atmosphere of mild panic, the rather strange-looking Evil Galactic Nanjo Corporation Empire Shuttle Delirium, and people generally shortening their lives through stress and preparing to go out and get shot for a cause (which really shortens your life). Takasaka nearly gets run over by a trolley carrying weaponry and in moving out of the way of that walks into a preoccupied Kimie, and decides that actually getting in the shuttle is a safer bet – Koji and Izumi have already made their way in there. Katsumi, however, is bitching at Takafumi. 

    Katsumi (getting frustrated): Don't be so polite. I'm trying to do you a favour. Look, I know the damn ship doesn't look like much but it is at least fast and you'll need it. Go on. Shoo. 

    Takafumi: Well, if you're sure you trust me with your spaceship. Hey, I wouldn't trust me with a spaceship. But I'll try not to damage it, okay? 

    Katsumi (looking askance at him): I know how to make you careful… (laughing) you'll pay for any damage, right, 'Fumi-chan? 

    Takafumi (wincing): Okay, okay. Would you get going? You're holding everyone up. 

    Katsumi: Oh, right. Bye. If you die I'll kill you. 

    Takafumi: Good luck to you too, you little pain. 

*** 

Inside the Shuttle Delirium, Koji is bent over a control panel. Katsumi watches him for a bit – he thumps it and curses. Katsumi giggles, then climbs into the pilot's seat and looks at Jesus, who is growling as he tries to figure out the controls. He hits a button, a brief burst of imperial code fills the cockpit. Koji grins, Katsumi blushes and turns whatever it was Jesus turned on back off. 

    Koji (aggrieved): I was listening to that! 

    Katsumi (glowering): Not whilst I'm driving. And certainly not in front of Prince Izumi. 

Prince Izumi comes in from the back and sits down next to Koji, glaring at him as if daring him to start making any kind of move. 

    Izumi: Do you seriously think I've never heard Imperial code before? 

    Katsumi: I don't much care either way. I don't like it and it's staying off. 

    Izumi: Oh, yeah… you're a uke, aren't you? 

Looking more than a little peeved, Katsumi stares out of the window and at the Pneumonium Penguin for slightly longer than could be considered normal, until Izumi pokes him. 

    Izumi: When you've quite finished staring at your space ship, we'll be off, shall we? 

    Katsumi: Do you MIND? I'm beginning to regret lending it to Takafumi! He's a total disaster as a pilot… he is going to get SO killed… 

    Izumi (snorting): Don't be stupid. You're a total disaster too and the thing's still whole. Let's go. 

Katsumi shakes himself and blinks a couple of times, then brushes his hair back into place with his fingers before turning to Jesus. 

    Katsumi: Okay... (he turns to the others with a grin) You do realise that by volunteering for this you've agreed to sit in a ship whist I do the piloting and put your lives in my hands again… scared yet? 

    Koji (only half-joking): Petrified… 

    Taka: I just hate space travel. 

    Katsumi: Taka, what do you like? Don't like space travel, don't like heights… 

    Taka (looking wistful): Office work. 

    Katsumi (blinku): What? (sighing) Let's go. (To himself) Damn it, why did my Designated Seme have to be such a gentleman? Why can't he force himself on me? 

Who wouldn't hate space travel if you were letting Katsumi Shibuya (who probably could become a member of the Reckless Pilots' Club if he so desired) do the driving? Outside the ship's docking bay, the stolen shuttle flies off into outer space slightly faster than is necessary, suffering a near-miss with an X-wing as it goes, which probably goes completely unnoticed by its pilot… 

*** 

Meanwhile, on the Death Porsche, things are getting icky again. Emperor Hirose sits in his office in front of his computer, hits a couple of keys and stares out of the window at the moon of Entropy. What little light there is comes from the computer screen and a small flicker of flame as Hirose lights a cigarette – though probably not one of his Happy ones. Kurauchi lurks unobtrusively in the shadows, trying not to be seen by the group of people who have entered the room, including Darth Akihito. Darth Akihito, his face hidden by his threatening helmet, shoos away the few councillors who have gravitated around him, waits until they have left the room then slams the door they left by, removes the helmet and walks up to his big brother. 

After a beat, Emperor Hirose turns round, but his expression does not change. 

    Darth Akihito: Aniki? I've finished torturing people, what do you want me to do now? 

    Hirose: Muster the Evil Galactic Nanjo Corporation Imperial Fleet, Akihito. Send it to the moon of Entropy where it shall await further instruction. 

    Darth Akihito: What about the rebel fleet? Can't we get them? They're all in one place, round Dullist! It'd be so easy to kill them all… why can't I send them there, Hirose? 

    Hirose: No, Akihito. The rebel fleet is insignificant and soon we shall have Koji Nanjo on our side. We shall tempt him with the Dark Side, he will be turned. The bucket for his head has already been made. We shall crush the Rebellion, and once again the galaxy will know the power of the Evil Galactic Nanjo Corporation Empire. You are to make your way to the command ship, Akihito; I will meet you there. Soon, the three of us brothers will be united once again. 

    Darth Akihito: Bit I don't wanna be united with Koji. Koji's… 

    Hirose (firmly): Akihito, that will be all. 

    Darth Akihito (sulky): Oh-kayyy. 

    He rams the bucket back on his head, and stalks out of the room. 

*** 

Meanwhile, the stolen Shuttle Delirium makes its way toward the giant Death Porsche building site. A huge number of Evil Galactic Nanjo Corporation Empire shark-covered-in-lights ships hang menacingly in the air – an even bigger shark-covered-in-lights ship is moving around slowly, threateningly and pointlessly in the background. Perhaps predictably, Katsumi thinks it all looks totally cool. 

    Katsumi: Wow. It really does look like the front half of a Porsche. I've never seen half a Porsche hanging in the vacuum of space before. It looks even weirder than seeing the whole of a Porsche hanging in the vacuum of space. I wonder why they painted it red? 

    Izumi: Probably to make it look cooler. 

    Katsumi: Anyway. If this doesn't work we're all totally dead so I'll say it was nice knowing you all in advance. Right, here goes. 

He fumbles in the shuttle's dashboard and pulls a booklet out. It is clearly labelled 'Handy Things To Say When Trying To Fool Utterly Brainless Dogmeat Radio Operators'; he flips through it to the correct page and hastily skim-reads it as the radio crackles into life. Katsumi looks startled, drops the booklet, curses and bends down to retrieve it. 

    Unnamed and Totally Unimportant Nanjo Corporation Jobsworth with a British Accent (over the radio): We have you on our screen now, please identify yourselves. 

    Katsumi (murmuring): Damn, lost my page… no, no, no… ah, here. (louder) Shuttle Delirium… requesting deactivation of the deflector shield. (cutting transmission, to himself) Deflector shield? What the hell's a deflector shield when it's at home? Sounds totally made up if you ask me… 

    Brit Jobsworth: Please transmit the clearance code. 

    Katsumi (attempting to sound impassive): Transmission commencing. 

He hits a switch and a long stream of Imperial Code is sent to the Death Porsche. Katsumi blushes and tries to look like he isn't blushing, then laughs anxiously and looks out of the window through his fingers. Koji listens attentively, Izumi tries to look totally blank. 

    Izumi (his mind still on the job): I sure hope this code was worth the cost. 

    Katsumi (slightly muffled): And the embarrassment… 

Koji looks at the huge shark covered with lights ship (actually this one looks more like a stingray, so shark is a misleading term…) and shivers slightly, then looks embarrassed as Izumi shoots him an evil glance and Katsumi looks questioningly at him. 

    Koji: Darth Akihito's on that thing. 

    Katsumi: Oh right. Jedi intuition, huh? (He giggles again). There are plenty of those things. You're being paranoid. Jesus, is there any way we can keep our distance without it looking like we're keeping our distance? 

Jesus barks something in mild irritation at Katsumi, who shrugs. 

    Katsumi: I was just asking. 

    Koji: I shouldn't have come here… I'm endangering Izumi! Izumi, I… (he breaks off). Oh, and the rest of you, of course. And the mission (he has the grace to look slightly awkward). And the future of the rebellion. 

    Katsumi (looking daggers at Koji): Delusions of grandeur. Shut up. 

*** 

Inside the Stingray ship, Darth Akihito has been standing looking out of the window at all the pwetty ships. If he didn't have his bucket Helmet on his expression would probably be that of a child playing war. However, 'some vibration felt only by him', (another Lucasism; it could be accounted to thoughts of Hirose though…) causes him to turn an walk up to the Brit Jobsworth and the luckless Admiral Pie – proximity to Darth Akihito has turned HIM into a nervous Takasaka wreck as well. Pie straightens up and looks at the threatening Darth Akihito, and swallows hard. 

    Darth Akihiro: Where's that thing (he points at the Shuttle Delirium) going? 

    Admiral Pie (quickly and anxiously): Shuttle Delirium, please state your cargo and destination. 

    Strange Voice (really Katsumi playing with an Incredible Voice Changer – for security reasons of course): Technical crew and parts for the moon of Entropy. 

Pie looks at Darth Akihito as Takasaka looked at bounty hunter Bush/Izumi in a plastic bucket – a sort of 'tell me what to say!' look. 

    Darth Akihito (professional): Do they have code clearance? 

    Pie: Um… well, it checks out… I was about to clear them… (he pales and looks as if he is about to burst into tears) Have I done something wrong? 

Darth Akihito stares fixedly ahead for a while. He's using the Force, and… bam, there's Koji! Beneath the helmet Darth Akihito grins though of course nobody can see this. 

    Pie: Shall I tell them to wait? 

    Darth Akihito: No. I'll deal with this. 

    Pie (shivering slightly): As you wish… my lord. (Turning to the Controller Jobsworth) Carry on. 

*** 

Inside the Shuttle Delirium, the rebels wait anxiously to see what will happen next… which Katsumi is beginning to suspect will be bloody, painful death… 

    Katsumi (a sigh): They're not going for it. Right… nice knowing you lot. We're either going to get shot to bits or tortured to death, so let's just pray they shoot us cos it'll be quicker… 

    Koji: You're just worried because you're a uke. 

    Brit Jobsworth (over radio): Shuttle Delirium, you're cleared to proceed. Follow your present course. The deflector shield will be deactivated immediately. 

The small group relaxes, though Koji still looks slightly nervy. Presumably at the thought of Darth Akihito's helmet… 

    Katsumi (triumphant): Hah! Knew it! Showed you, Koji! Bee-dah! 

    Koji: Oh, shut up, Shibuya. 

    Katsumi: I told you it was just delusions of grandeur! 

    Koji: Remind me why we rescued you again? 

    Katsumi: Because I'm the only one here with a sense of humour? I dunno. I didn't ask you to, did I? 

*** 

To be continued... 

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	4. Chapter 4

Miyuki's Zetsuai Page Zetsuai 1989/Bronze   
Revenge of the Koji, part 4 By miyukichan, running away from the men in white coats... 

On the moon of Entropy, the shuttle sits in the middle of a clearing. Katsumi's a better pilot than the others have given him credit for: the thing's still whole, no trees have been chopped in half by the shuttle's descent, there are no smouldering craters in the ground, etc. 

A short distance away the rebels make their way up a hill. Koji and Izumi have put helmets on. Katsumi, presumably through uke vanity again, is carrying his by the strap, swinging it slightly. The idea of being shot in the head is presumably not as worrying to him as the thought of messing up his hair is. A few feet ahead, Izumi looks every inch the professional soldier in spite of his ever-present football kit, whilst Koji, who has touched up his makeup and now wears a glove over his artificial hand, is probably the first Lunatic Seme the moon of Entropy has had to contend with for a long while. Jesus looks much the same as ever. Serika and Takasaka bring up the rear. Taka, as ever, is looking nervously around him as if he expects any minute to be jumped by some sinister alien. 

Izumi has reached the crest of the hill when he crouches down and gestures for the others to do the same. Koji, curious, crawls up to Izumi to take a look. Katsumi takes a careful look over the ground before committing himself to this course of action, but eventually shrugs - whatever happens it can't ruin his clothes too much. Serika bleeps curiously. 

    Taka: I said this wasn't going to be easy. 

At the foot of the hill, two bored Evil Galactic Nanjo Corporation Empire scouts are wandering around. One of them stoops to pick up an interesting rock and holds it up to the light. A few feet away there are two things that look a bit like motorbikes without wheels and some kind of prong thing stuck to the front. 

    Izumi: What'll we do? Go around? 

    Katsumi (shrugging): I don't know, why are you looking at me? 

    Izumi: You're the general here. 

    Katsumi: Did I ask for it? I'm still Katsumi, you know. 

Izumi sighs and motions for Takasaka and Serika to stay where they are, presumably to stop them from getting into trouble, then makes his way down the hill, followed by Koji, Katsumi and Jesus, halting not far from the bored scouts. Jesus growls softly at Katsumi, who shrugs then turns to the other two. 

    Katsumi: Jesus says he's got a plan. You two wait here. 

    Koji: Yes. Look, whatever you do, keep it down, so no yelling, got that? 

    Katsumi: It's me, remember? 

    Koji: That is precisely what I'm worried about. 

Katsumi decides not to force the issue for once, walks up to the scout, trips and falls practically on top of him. The guard is naturally a little startled by acquiring a small blonde rebel from god knows where, but gets over it. 

    Katsumi (grinning, a little anxious): Do you, er, come here often? 

    Scout (or Another Brit Bit-Part Player): Go for help! 

The other scout runs over to his bike and jumps onto it. Koji and Izumi trade glances and sighs. Jesus fires a shot at the scout who, in trying to avoid it, ends up crashing into a tree. Yup, this really is pretty nasty for family entertainment but does it matter? They're all bad guys! They all deserve to die! Katsumi, meanwhile, is having a minor disagreement with the first scout who has got him backed against a tree. 

    Katsumi (shoving at the guard): Hentai! Get off! 

    Koji: Terrific. Remind me never to take Shibuya anywhere ever again. 

Izumi decides not to comment but instead starts toward the scuffle, which could turn into a rather nasty incident, reasoning that Katsumi probably needs the help right now considering the guard's superior body weight and size. Koji follows. Izumi, however, stops when he sees two more scouts on their motorbikes with sticky things on the fronts, a third parked nearby. 

    Izumi: Over there! 

He starts off toward the remaining bike as the two scouts set off, presumably to fetch help. Koji, of course, gets hold of completely the wrong end of the stick… 

    Koji (overreacting totally): Izumi, don't leave me! I love you! 

It's an action scene… what do you expect, Shakespearian dialogue? Anyway, Izumi jumps on the bike and with a bit of difficulty gets the thing started. Koji, unwilling to see his Izumi run off alone, jumps on the bike belonging to the scout who is still engaged in trying to amuse himself with Katsumi, (who's now flat on his back beneath the tree but has somehow managed to get the scout's helmet off - and he's trying to gouge the man's hentai eyes out using his fingernails), and takes off after the rapidly disappearing Izumi, who's presumably on a very steep learning curve in terms of speeder bike know-how. Somehow Koji, his robes and hair fluttering most dramatically and pleasingly behind him, manages to catch up with Izumi and yells at his rather panicky companion. 

    Koji (shouting to be heard above the engines and wind): Jam the radio! Centre switch! 

    Izumi (yelling likewise): They made a jamming button on the panels? That's pretty stupid! 

Stupid or not he hits it, and lo and behold, it IS a jamming switch. Why that was built in as a standard feature will have to remain known only to the man who designed it but it's safe to say that it probably just falls under the heading 'Plot Contrivance' here. 

And who says ukes don't fight back? Katsumi, after a bit of a struggle, manages to effectively break his attacker's jaw, shoves the guy off him and scrambles to his feet, then starts brushing the dust off his clothing. 

    Katsumi (just mildly sarcastic…): Well, didn't that work well? 

*** 

The two scouts have a fairly good lead on Koji and Izumi as they dash through the trees on the moon of Entropy on their way to God knows where (because the scouts clearly don't seem to know) at a speed of Too Fast considering that there are trees everywhere. In terms of difficulty level, this chase is like a bad skier with a rocket pack strapped to their back trying to do the slalom at over a hundred miles an hour on a course where the gates have pressure-sensitive bombs strapped to them so if you touch one, you die. Whilst being shot at. 

Izumi is not a very good shot with the Rocket Bike cannon so all his attempts to bring down the fleeing cannon fodder ahead of them are doomed to failure. Koji isn't doing any better, though, preferring to kill people with his kendo moves. The conversation is conducted at a yell. 

    Koji: We've got to catch up with them! 

    Izumi: Well, duh! 

Izumi guns the engine (presumably by hitting the button marked 'Turbo - do not use unless suicidally insane', as they're already going far too fast) and closes the gap between him and the scouts. In an attempt to get away the scouts veer through a narrow gap in the trees. One of them hits the side of the tree with the stick bits coming out the front of the bike, and slows himself down again. 

    Koji (unnecessarily): Get alongside him! 

    Izumi: What do you think I was going to do, mastermind? 

Izumi pulls up alongside the anxious scout and starts acting like a vindictive eight year old on the dodgems. The two men shove their bikes into one another repeatedly and probably would have done this for some time had Koji's show-off genes not decided to assert themselves again… Koji stands up on the back of his bike (lunatic) and then makes a jump for the bike in front of him, landing on two feet behind the scout and effortlessly yanking the poor man out of his seat and throwing him to the ground. The scout gets up off the floor, dazed but protected by all that Imperial body armour (see it's not so stupid after all!), in time to see Koji pulling away and catching up with the reckless Izumi. Declaring himself sick of the whole story as the rebels are clearly just as bad as the Nanjos, he goes AWOL, steals the Shuttle Delirium and becomes a virtuoso piano player instead. 

Koji is still yelling pointless directions to an increasingly hacked off Izumi. 

    Koji: Get the other one! 

    Izumi (through gritted teeth): Koji, if you don't stop yelling out pointless directions, I'll commit murder. I've been a rebel longer than you, so shut the hell up, okay? 

They zip past two more scouts, who had been playing cards, but who jump on their bikes when they see what was happening, thus relegating themselves to the status of cannon fodder. But being quite smart, they start firing at Koji and Izumi; Koji's bike takes a hit and he curses. 

    Koji: Go ahead! I'll take these two! 

    Izumi (darkly, to himself): Anything. Just shut the hell up and stop acting like you're the only one here with a brain just because you're a seme. 

Koji slams on the brakes with the effect of making it look like he's gone into reverse. His hair is blown crazily in the wrong direction, he tries to scoop it out of his face, it blows straight back into it again. After the scouts have zipped past him, Koji starts blasting away with the cannon, knocking out one scout - his bike crashes into a tree. 

His companion hits the Suicidal Turbo button as he sees the flash. Koji hits his likewise, his hair blowing in the right direction now. 

    Koji: Now we're gettin' somewhere! 

    Kai Wan (from behind him): Having fun? 

    Koji looks round for a split second - Kai Wan Kurosaki is sat on the back of the bike, legs crossed, smoking another of his ethereal cigarettes and looking totally unconcerned by the velocity or the danger of imminent death. One of the perks of being dead already. 

    Koji (about to lose his temper): Kai Wan, what the hell are you doing here? 

    Kai Wan (coolly): Oh, I just thought I'd say hi, see how you were doing, that sort of thing. 

Koji determines to ignore him. 

Izumi and the first scout are proving the efficacy of the 'bomb slalom' metaphor as they veer through the tree trunks. Izumi, determined to prove that Koji's not the only one who can do show-off stuff, aims the bike he's on up and zooms up toward the treetops, no doubt startling any animals he comes across on the way up. The scout is a little mystified by Izumi's sudden disappearance when he is dive-bombed by a brown-haired lunatic in a football kit, who has clearly played one too many combat plane games and is intent on shooting him to bits. But he ain't that good a shot and misses. 

As Izumi pulls alongside the bike, the scout pulls a gun out and grins at him in a manic way (he must have seen Darth Akihito - he looked uncannily like him there), then blasts the bike. Izumi looks totally enraged, but is forced to realise he's gone out of control and jumps off the bike just before it slams into a tree. The scout is so busy congratulating himself on his handiwork that he forgets to look where he is going and slams into another tree. Odd how none of the scouts think to jump for it, isn't it? 

Koji, now flying solo again, Kai Wan having got bored and wandered off, is now treating his bike like a dodgem car. The scout is encouraging him in this and as they fly through the ludicrously perilous forest they glare belligerently at one another and try to smash each other into trees. A tree trunk looms in their path; Koji and the scout go over and under it respectively and Koji tries to slam into the scout's bike again, this time from above. Some weird, convoluted Lucasian logic then sticks a very wide tree in their path (this tree really IS wide. It's a giant of a tree!), Koji cannot swerve round it so is forced to practically put his bike on top of the scout's. 

The scout thinks this is bloody cheeky. 

When the bikes straighten out, the stick things at the front are found to be entangled and the bikes are stuck together. Before Koji can begin to untangle it another big, wide tree looms up ahead and he jumps off the bike just as the two separate and his bike explodes dramatically on the tree. Koji looks up from the bracken he dived into, wild-eyed and dishevelled but still pretty pleased with himself, as the scout veers round and begins shooting at him. 

Igniting his lightsabre and once again posing like a good 'un, Koji watches impassively as the bike roars toward him. Maybe there's something wrong with the cannons on these things, because although Koji isn't budging the scout's missing him too; Koji deflects the occasional bolt with his lightsabre - a deadly game of squash? One thing he certainly IS doing is playing a lethal form of chicken with the scout, who isn't budging from his course (a collision with Koji's head is inevitable if this scout keeps coming). At the last moment Koji neatly sidesteps and cuts off the sticks on the front of the scout's bike and the scout suffers the unimaginative death of slamming into a tree (this 'slamming into trees' thing is really getting stale, and it messes up a conservation area) after his bike goes into a barrel roll. Why oh why don't any of them think to jump? 

*** 

In the scout campsite Katsumi, Jesus, Takasaka and Serika wait around with a group of other Rebels who they seem to have just acquired from somewhere (there certainly wasn't that much room inn the shuttle. Where the hell did they come from? Maybe they come in powdered form - instant rebels! Just add water!). Katsumi has found a stick and is scratching something in the dust, with the aim of teaching Taka how to play noughts and crosses for idiots. 

The top of Serika's head slides open and a small radar dish unfolds and starts slowly rotating. She bleeps. 

    Taka (looking up anxiously): Somebody's coming… 

    Katsumi: Oh, right… 

He drops the stick, stands up and takes a small gun out of a holster, and looks down at it curiously, whilst the rest of the squad point their guns at the intruder who turns out to be an exhausted-looking Koji, who collapses onto a handy log 

    Katsumi: Oh, hi, Koji. Wasn't Taku-chan with you? 

    Koji (looking round): What, didn't he come back? 

    Katsumi (sighing): Don't tell me. You got separated, right? What did you do, grope him so he walked off in a huff? 

Koji glares at Katsumi, who gives him a 'it's hardly as if there's no precedent' look. 

    Koji (suddenly energised, leaping to his feet, heroic pose): We have to go and look for him! My Izumi could be in danger! We cannot rest until he is found and is safely back in my ar… uh, with his friends! 

    Katsumi (rolling his eyes): Oh, brother. (He turns to some random rebel) Look, you guys go on ahead, 'kay? We'll meet at the shield generator, um, sometime tomorrow morning. If we're not there by half seven, start without us. Later. 

    Koji: Serika, we'll need your radar. Come on. (posing sorrowfully again): Izumi… I'm coming to rescue you! Fear not! 

    Taka (attempting to look confident): Don't worry, Koji-sama… if Izumi's in the area I'm sure we'll find him. 

They move off into the woods in the direction Koji emerged from, the radar dish on Serika's head still slowly rotating. Koji goes first, flanked by Jesus. Katsumi is determined to treat the whole thing like a nature walk and looks perhaps even slightly bored. Taka follows closely behind him - he looks pretty scared, as ever. 

*** 

Prince Izumi lies sprawled on the ground, his hair and football kit dishevelled. A small sound is heard in the bushes a few feet away and a small, fuzzy creature appears. It is about three feet high with huge cute eyes. It looks a bit - well, a LOT - like an ambulant teddy bear and it carries a crude spear. After about three seconds it becomes apparent that we are looking at an Ewok named Ticket. Ewoks are the nauseatingly kawaii dominant life form, for what that's worth, on the moon of Entropy. Ticket the Ewok looks curiously at Izumi for a bit then pokes him in the thigh with the spear. Izumi groans. The teddy bear regards him suspiciously then pokes him again. Izumi sits up and looks utterly amazed. Is there really a teddy pointing a spear at him, or does he just have concussion? 

    Izumi: I'll be seeing pink elephants next… 

He blinks a couple of times and shakes his head. The teddy is still there - it starts to poke him with the spear again. Izumi bats it away. 

    Izumi (angry): Stop that! 

The Ewok scuttles back a couple of times and blinks. It looks ludicrously adorable. Katsumi would probably have started cuddling it by this point. 

    Izumi: There's no need to get like that. I'm not going to do anything. 

He holds his hands out in a 'see! I have no weapon' way, then looks disconsolately at his charred speeder. He's stuck in the middle of a forest on the moon of Entropy with a walking teddy bear which seems to like poking him with a spear. The fact that it hurts when the thing pokes him means it's probably real. He collapses onto a log and looks round himself. 

    Izumi: I'm stuck. Terrific. 

He rubs his head, then looks at the Ewok again. he seems to have reached some kind of decision, probably based on pragmatism. He pats the log next to him and attempts to push his expression out of it's usual glower and into the far less usual 'friendly'. 

    Izumi: Maybe you can help… come here. Do you want something to eat? 

The Ewok looks at him suspiciously, backing away a little as he takes what looks like a petrified sausage out of his back pocket and breaks a bit off, holding it out to the little bear. After realising that the half sausage isn't about to explode, Ticket takes it out of Izumi's hand and sits down next to him. Then Izumi takes his helmet off and the bear drops the food and runs away along the log, poking it with the spear. 

    Izumi (wearily): It's a hat. Not a bomb. Look. You put it on your head… 

He puts the hat on and takes it off a couple of times to illustrate a point to Ticket, all the while looking round to check that none of the rebels are anywhere in the area and can see him making an idiot of himself whilst trying to make friends with an Ewok. Ticket takes the helmet off Izumi and starts to investigate it, then starts looking round anxiously. He says something in Ewok to Izumi, who looks totally nonplussed being as he isn't Takasaka and doesn't have Takasaka anywhere near him. 

A gunshot breaks up this meeting of great minds, and Izumi ducks behind the log. The Ewok hides underneath it, Izumi crouches, gun at the ready, looking alertly in entirely the wrong direction. An Evil Galactic Nanjo Corporation Empire scout taps him on the shoulder. 

    Scout: Hello. Look behind you. 

    Izumi (turning): Well don't I feel stupid… 

    Scout: And so you should. Now… (meaner) Freeze! Hand over your weapon. 

Izumi does so. A second scout appears a few feet away and looks incuriously at the two of them. The first scout points at Izumi (if only scout wasn't associated so firmly with Sailor Moon… men in armour plating and cute superheroines in short skirts do NOT mix) and speaks to him. 

    Scout: Fetch your bike, take him back to base. 

    Dogmeat Scout: Yes sir. 

The dogmeat scout has just gotten onto his speeder bike when Ticket the Ewok hits the first scout in the leg with his spear. The scout lets fly a string of curses not at all appropriate to a family movie, then looks down. At the teddy. Now, attacking the scout was a nice gesture, but useless… still, the shock of being attacked by a teddy bear means that the first scout stands dumbly for long enough for Izumi to pick up a branch of the general shape and size as a baseball bat, and knock him out with it (anyone else here seen Papa Myu Mama J? You gotta feel sorry for the scout). The dogmeat scout roars away to get help but because he has the word dogmeat in front of his name he's doomed the minute Izumi whips out his pistol and blasts away surprisingly accurately at the escaping bike. The resulting conflagration conveniently knocks out the other bike as well as the scout. This is getting stupid: the running total of numbers of dogmeat characters blasted so far must stand something like Rebels 294, Eri the Hutt 1, Nanjo Corporation Empire 0. And the Empire are meant to be the bad guys… 

Ticket looks in something resembling awe at Izumi, who looks pretty together and cool at the moment, then grabs Izumi by the arm, clearly wanting him to follow. Izumi shrugs 'what the hell' and sets off after the suddenly enthusiastic Ewok. 

*** 

For all those of you who are about to overdose on 'cute' (be afraid. Be very, very afraid… more Ewoks coming up!), a Death Porsche scene. Darth Akihito walks to the door of the Emperor's tower and private lift. Outside the lift a Red Darth stands. Darth Akihito takes his helmet off and glowers at the Red Darth for stealing his look, then attempts to go in, but the Red Darth blocks his way. 

    Red Darth: Halt! Emperor Hirose gave strict orders that he was not to be disturbed by anyone. 

    Darth Akihito: Anyone except Darth Akihito. Remember that bit? 

    Red Darth: Um… oh, yeah. Come in, Darth Akihito… the emperor is expecting you. 

Darth Akihito gets into the elevator and suffers a few moments of elevator music - 'Cars' played on a Hammond organ, guaranteed to sap even the strongest of wills, the Empire's torture methods are fiendish! - before coming out into an anteroom. Two more Red Darths wait by the lift but ignore him. He makes his way into the throne room where he waits for a few moments for Hirose to turn round. Eventually he coughs. Still nothing. Finally, incredibly bored and fed-up, he decides to go to underhand tactics. 

    Darth Akihito (a whiny yell): Anikiii! 

A few muttered curses can be heard in the darkness as Hirose shoves a half-dressed Kurauchi under his desk, then turns to face Darth Akihito. He does not look as composed as he normally does, though his clothing is as neat as ever. 

    Hirose: I told you to remain on the command ship, Akihito. 

    Darth Akihito (cross): Hirose! The rebels are attacking Entropy! And Koji's there too! 

    Hirose (impassive): Are you sure? 

    Darth Akihito: I've been using the Force. He's there. I've felt him… he's making trouble, Hirose! 

    Hirose: I see. In that case the way forward is obvious. You are to go to Entropy and wait for him there. 

    Darth Akihito (frowning): He'll come to us? But that doesn't make any sense! 

    Hirose: I have foreseen it. His arrogance will be his undoing. He believes he can beat you… but you are to bring him to me. 

    Darth Akihito: Then can we kill him? 

    Hirose: If he will not be turned to the dark path, then we will destroy him. 

    Darth Akihito (smiling nuttily): As you wish, aniki. 

He turns and stalks dramatically out of the throne room, clearly already imagining how he's going to kill Koji (probably slowly). He laughs insanely as he goes. As soon as the door is closed a cold and uncomfortable Kurauchi crawls out from underneath Hirose's desk and stretches, then looks anxiously in the direction Darth Akihito has just left in. 

    Hirose: It's all right. I've sent him to Entropy for the foreseeable future. 

    Kurauchi: Does that mean we might actually get some time alone for once? 

    Hirose: I should hope so. 

*** 

Your friendly local neighbourhood rebellion chapter shows up at Izumi's crash scene (Izumi last spotted heading thataway with Ticket the Ewok, who almost out-cutes Takafumi Yoshiya. Almost). Koji spots something on the log Izumi was sitting on and walks over to it, crouches and picks it up - it is the helmet Izumi was using to demonstrate the concept of headgear to Ticket the Ewok. An expression of extreme panic passes over his face as he imagines what this could portend for his dear Izumi… Katsumi has gone on ahead, meanwhile. 

    Katsumi: Koji! Oi, Ko-cha-an! 

Koji jumps to his feet with the helmet - he hates being called 'Ko-chan' - and walks over to Katsumi, who is kneeling by Izumi's charred speeder and poking it with a stick, an expression of extreme curiosity on his face. He really hasn't been taking this at all seriously, and believe it or not he has a flower in his hair. Very cute, but hardly the correct image for a general. He looks up when he sees Koji. Taka looks startled. 

    Taka: Koji-sama. 

    Koji (throwing the helmet at Katsumi): I found this. And there's more wrecked bikes back there. 

    Katsumi: Don't chuck things at me, it's rude, and I outrank you. Do it again and I'll get you court-martialled. (thoughtful) Two more? Really? We could strip them for salvageable parts and sell them to the Imperials… 

Koji glowers at him then turns to Takasaka, clearly expecting the poor man to have an answer to the whole situation (and hopefully Katsumi's terminal flakiness and slight criminal tendencies). Why take one side when you can make money out of both? 

    Taka (wringing his hands anxiously): Serika tells me she can find no sign of Prince Izumi, Koji-sama. 

    Koji: Izumi! (sorrowing) What will I do without you? Oh my love, how can I live whilst we are parted even for a second? I love you! I'll love you till I… 

    Katsumi (singing to himself): Juliet, the dice were loaded from the start… (looking up) Gawd, Koji, how many more old songs are you going to plagiarise for your soliloquies? 

Jesus sniffs the air then starts wandering off into the middle of a patch of ferns and bracken. Katsumi, belatedly realising that he doesn't have to worry about paying Eri the Hutt her monthly instalments any more, stops attempting to work out how to get rich out of their current situation, stands up and yells after the retreating hairy thing. 

    Katsumi: Jesus! Where'd you think you're going? Jesus. (shouting) Heel! 

There is no obvious response to this confused litany of attempts at conversation punctuated by yelling. 

    Katsumi (under his breath): Oh, bloody hell. 

He follows Jesus' blundering path through the undergrowth, followed by the others, until they reach a relatively clear patch. Jesus, meanwhile, has come across a big stake sticking out of the ground in front of a tree. There is an open tin of 'Mr. Dog' on top of the stake. The rest of the group join him round the stake. 

    Koji: What the hell's that doing there? 

    Katsumi: Surreal. Maybe it's an avant-garde sculpture? (shaking his head, hands on his hips) Jesus, don't be stupid, you can get better dog food from the Q stores. 

Jesus isn't listening and reaches up to the dog food. 

    Koji: Katsumi, stop that great reprobate before he does something stupid. 

    Katsumi: Koji, he's six foot plus and covered in hair. What do you expect me to do? I'm… 

Jesus grabs the dog food anyway. By some fluke of Ewok mechanics involving weights, levers, hidden pulleys and other staples of the Wil E. Coyote school of trap making as learnt from Road Runner cartoons, the entire group find itself suspended above the clearing in a surprisingly well-made net. The whole thing is not only dead uncomfortable for the poor soul on the bottom (who, wouldn't you know it, just so happens to be Takasaka, who has wound up with Katsumi practically on top of him), but incredibly embarrassing too. Jesus is content - he sticks his nose in the Mr. Dog and chows on down. Serika lets loose with some bleeps and whistles. 

    Taka (blushing): Language, Serika! 

    Katsumi: Great, Jesus. Brilliant bit of thinking. All this for a tin of Mr. Dog. Will you get your paw out of my ear, you evolutionary throwback? 

He takes advantage of the situation to glomp Takasaka, who blushes even more. 

    Koji (from somewhere underneath Jesus): When was the last time your walking carpet took a bath, Shibuya? 

    Katsumi: Why not ask him that? And he's his, not mine. 

    Koji: Where the hell's that lightsabre when you need it? 

    Katsumi (tersely): Maybe if you stopped sitting on my damn arm I could get it for you, Koji? 

Serika, stuck practically next to Taka, extends a finger and takes out her little circular saw (she really IS the cyborg version of a Swiss Army Knife!), with which she starts to cut away the net. Katsumi, meanwhile, is attempting to move so he can reach Koji's lightsabre, with very little success. Taka notices what Serika is doing and feels compelled to comment. 

    Taka: Serika, I'm really not sure that's such a great idea… 

A little late for that… the bottom comes out of the net and the entire group plummet to the ground. Koji teaches the others some interesting new curse-words. Takasaka, as the poor soul at the bottom of the net, ends up as the individual everyone else lands on top of - as a direct result of this he ends up knocked half-conscious. Koji sits up and looks round, Katsumi is attempting to give Taka the kiss of life. Or maybe he's just trying to kiss him. Jesus finishes the Mr. Dog and throws the can away. It hits Katsumi on the head and he looks up from his sexual harassment. Then they notice the Ewoks - they are surrounded by teddies with spears. 

    Katsumi: Koji, am I going mad or have I got concussion? 

    Koji: Why do you ask? 

    Katsumi (slowly): Um… well, this might sound a little weird… but I'm seeing… well, lots of teddy bears pointing little spears at me… 

    Koji (relaxing visibly): You too, huh? That's a relief. I thought I was going mad. (he bats at one of the Ewok spears) Get that out of my face! 

    Katsumi (schoolmarm-ish): Teddies shouldn't play with lethal weapons. 

    The Ewok, whose name is Taboo, can't have understood for he has a brief argument with another Ewok then resumes pointing the spear at Koji. 

    Katsumi (shrugging): Why not go with it? It's a teddy, what's the worst it can do to us? 

The Ewoks take this as an admission of surrender, and immediately start confiscating the group's weapons. Katsumi makes sure the safety catch is on his gun - the thought of a load of teddies with their hands on a laser pistol is actually quite alarming. Koji gets a wee bit possessive of his lightsabre. After a brief struggle and a few growls, Jesus surrenders his crossbow thing when Katsumi glares at him. 

A few feet away Takasaka, having finally regained full consciousness, managed to disentangle himself from the net and locate his strangely missing but thankfully still whole glasses (if anyone wants to know why Taka's glasses had gone… Katsumi swiped them whist trying to, uh, 'revive' him, because he thinks Taka looks cuter without them), sits up and blinks a couple of times in sheer confusion. 

    Taka: Ow… (slightly resentful) Serika, I told you that wasn't a good idea… 

This is probably what passes for a Taka-brand scathing rebuke. The Ewoks look at him, almost as amazed by his presence as he is by theirs, and they begin to confer anxiously. Taka, clearly feeling the need to explain things to them or perhaps compelled by natural politeness, attempts to join in the conversation. The nearest Ewok drops his spear and bows; the others quickly follow suit. Katsumi begins to laugh. Koji looks at Taka and the Ewoks in total disbelief. Taka is equally mystified. 

    Katsumi: Hold it a minute. You understand what they're saying? 

    Taka (slightly reproachful): Well, I am an interpreter. 

    Koji (looking cross): So, what are you telling them? 

    Taka: Hello… at least I think that's what it is. It's a primitive language. Um… this is a little embarrassing, but they seem to think I'm a god. 

    Koji (sarcastically): Can't think why. You're hardly imposing. 

    Katsumi (in 'total airhead' mood): Ah, you're just jealous because it's not you they're worshipping. And maybe they think he's cute. 

    Koji: Don't give me that! They're walking teddies! If this gets much more saccharine we're all going to have cavities. 

    Katsumi (ingenuously): Don't you like teddies? 

    Koji (getting rather cross): Whatever. (To the still decidedly taken aback Taka) Go on, use your divine influence and get us out of this. 

    Taka (shocked): That would be immoral! 

Koji loses his temper. He moves toward the startled Takasaka in a decidedly threatening manner and things would undoubtedly have gone badly for Taka had the Ewoks not intervened. Well, for them it's probably the equivalent of blasphemy. Koji practically gets a spear up the nose and does have one in his left ear before he backs off. 

    Koji: Apologies. We go way back. 

*** 

Things have taken a surreal turn again for the Rebels. First there was Eri the Hutt wanting to feed them to AppleMac, then there was Koji's lengthy conversation with the dead Kai Wan Kurosaki who now seems determined to hijack some of his scenes, now this - held captive by Ewoks. What the Ewoks have done, basically, is follow the time-honoured tradition favoured by all primitive races who catch something much bigger than them whilst out hunting - a big stick to which you tie your captured thing. And they've done this to every single one of the rebels, with the exception of Takasaka. But they aren't going to let HIM walk either so they've built a crude litter thing which the remaining Ewoks carry. He clings to the side and looks afraid and very, very flustered. He really doesn't want to be there and it shows. 

    Taka: This is embarrassing. 

    Koji (upside-down on a pole thing and looking much less cool, sexy and semeish): 'Embarrassing', he says. 

Serika bleeps plaintively. Katsumi mutters something about his hair. 

Eventually the downright bizarre procession reaches the town square, or what counts for it in an Ewok village: the village itself is totally archaic, made up of mud huts on the ground and in the lower branches of the trees and rickety little walkways strung between the trees. A couple of baby Ewoks are startled by the whole thing. So is Taka, who is a deeply shy man and really, really hates being the centre of attention the way he is. The group stops outside the chief's hut. You can tell because it's a bit bigger than the others are and has some kind of animal skull over the door like the chief in 'Asterix the Gaul' has. 

In the middle of the village there is some kind of big bonfire pit with a rather large bonfire (it has not been lit as yet, thankfully) in it and it is in this that the rather startled Rebels are propped. The other Ewoks finally put Taka down and he stops being nervous about being carried on a rickety chair construction and starts to get worried about the rest of the situation instead. 

    Koji: If Kai Wan shows up now, I'm killing him. 

    Katsumi (from somewhere beneath him): Did you take a hit to the head when we fell out that net thing? What the hell are you babbling on about this time? 

The Ewoks turn as another Ewok, Lurex the medicine man (or Lurex the medicine Ewok, to be more accurate) comes over and examines the captured rebels. He just manages to resist the temptation to pull Koji's hair and seems startled by the concept of lipstick. Katsumi's clothes cause a bit of bewilderment too (Ewoks don't understand fashion yet, some might say they are better off for it). He eventually leaves them and goes to Taka. Chief Chippy, who is obviously chief as he's the fattest Ewok there, plays with Koji's lightsabre. Apparently he doesn't understand the meaning of the patented Koji Nanjo Death Glare. Maybe it doesn't translate well. 

Takasaka attempts to ask what's going on and can I get off this chair, I'm feeling embarrassed. Lurex talks back at him and gestures that more firewood should be put on the bonfire. Taka starts looking incredibly anxious. Koji transfers the Death Glare to Taka, and he cringes. Koji is relieved to see this. His lack of success with Chief Chippy had led him to wonder if the Death Glare had stopped working. 

    Koji: Well, what's going on? 

    Taka: Ah… well… this is really embarrassing… (he wrings his hands a bit) um… it appears that they're holding a banquet in my honour… and you're the main course… sorry… 

    Koji: Shibuya, may I remind you of something you said a while back? 

    Katsumi: What? 

    Koji: I do believe it was 'It's a teddy, what's the worst it can do to us?' 

    Katsumi (not a bit abashed): Hey, everyone makes mistakes. 

    Koji: Yes, and this particular one's going to kill the lot of us. 

    Katsumi: Well why should I stop getting you all into trouble when I'm just getting good at it? 

A couple of Ewoks have dug up some tom-tom drums from somewhere, and have started beating them manically. Put it this way, they have a sense of rhythm, but they are definitely not in the Kyoichiro league. At that moment Izumi appears from the big house. His hair has been brushed and he wears a clean football kit. Clearly the Ewoks have been playing dress-up with him. Katsumi feels the need to acquaint Izumi with the realities of the group's situation. 

    Katsumi: Hi, Taku-chan… we're all going to die again! 

    Koji (nosebleeding and histrionic): Izumi! I will never leave your side! 

    Katsumi: Now that really does look disgusting from this angle… have the Ewoks invented Kleenex yet? 

    Izumi (sweatdropping): Koji, they're about to barbeque you. I don't think you have a whole lot of choice in whether you leave my side or not. 

He attempts to move toward the others but a couple of determined Ewoks block his way with spears, another pair cling doggedly to his legs and effectively immobilise him. Izumi looks at Koji and the others, then sighs and turns to Taka. 

    Izumi: Takasaka, tell them to let the others go. 

Taka makes another attempt to talk it over with Chippy and Lurex, both of whom seem impressed by his volubility but do not seem that impressed by what he's actually saying. Lurex turns to the gawking Ewoks and yells something in squeaky burble Ewokese. A few grab more wood and start piling it on. A couple bring flaming torches out, the drums start losing all sense of rhythm. Koji is relieved to see that Kai Wan Kurosaki hasn't decided to come say Hi again… 

    Taka (plainly very nervy): I think something got lost in the translation there… 

    Katsumi: I'm not sure I wouldn't rather have taken my chances with AppleMac. This is just plain stupid. All this to end up killed by a teddy bear. Trippy… hey, have you noticed how all the bad guys we've met recently have seemed to want to feed us to things? Like Taka-chan? 

    Koji: Fascinating bit of trivia, Shibuya. Thanks. Takasaka, you moron! Do something! 

    Taka (honestly confused): Like what, Koji-Sama? 

    Koji (yelling): I dunno! Who's the god here? Tell them you'll rain down fire and brimstone on the lot or something! Tell them you'll use your magic! 

    Taka (blinking): What magic? 

    Koji (yelling even louder if that's possible): Just do it, okay?! 

    Katsumi: You got an idea, Koji? 

    Koji: Yes. 

    Katsumi (decidedly less than thrilled): Great. You got any messages you'd particularly like me to pass on to Kai Wan considering I'll probably die first? 

    Taka attempts to get through once more to Chippy and Lurex. The Ewoks are disturbed by the magic comment but Lurex, for all he's meant to be chatting with a deity, does not look impressed and challenges Taka to prove it, or that at least is the gist of it. Koji, meanwhile, has his eyes shut. Katsumi looks at him and sighs. Serika starts bleeping anxiously. 

    Taka: They don't believe me, Koji-sama… 

Koji, meanwhile, has started using the Force to lift the chair thing Taka is sitting on off the ground. This is cruel. It has already been well established that Taka is scared of heights. But he hasn't actually noticed the lack of ground yet - nor has Katsumi, due to his being in an awkward position. 

    Taka: …now what do you want me to do? 

    Katsumi: You could start talking Esperanto, that always scares the hell out of me. 

The Ewoks, meanwhile, are running around in a state of total panic at this ultimate magic spell (oh, dear… it's worse than we thought). Even that smartass Lurex looks scared. Taka has finally noticed his situation and is having an advanced case of panic attack. Koji decides he's had enough of up and starts making the chair revolve. Katsumi looks round to see what all the fuss is about and begins giggling. 

    Katsumi: Koji, that's mean! Put him down. 

    Taka: I'm scared of heights! 

Chief Chippy yells out orders in Ewokese (squeak squonk burble squonk - if this sounds funny from a teddy imagine how it will sound from Taka) and the Ewoks finally decide it might be a good idea to get Koji et al out of the bonfire. When he is let go, Koji runs to Izumi and enfolds him in a tight embrace. Izumi's Takurins Piyo makes its first appearance in the Star Wars saga and this time Koji gets a Le Creuset crock pot in the face. Katsumi, once he's finally upright enough to get the feel of the Ewok village, thinks it's all totally adorable. 

    Katsumi: Oh, everything here's so cute! 

Katsumi glomps a passing Ewok. Koji, moaning slightly, walks away from Izumi; a manga style plaster has appeared from nowhere and adhered to his head, only to fall off two seconds later. Katsumi taps him on the shoulder and points at Taka who still isn't back at ground level. Koji reluctantly lowers him down again. A couple of Ewoks untie Serika from her pole, she starts her electronic cussing again and takes off in hot pursuit after an unwary Ewok - when she gets close enough she zaps him with static electricity. The bear jumps twice his own height into the air then runs off yelping, all his fur stood on end. A couple of Ewoks try to work out why Jesus is so big. 

    Koji: Izumi… did I offend you? 

    Izumi: Koji, I don't care what you've been through in order to try and rescue me and I don't care that this place is swarming with teddy bears. We are still in public, that's still Katsumi and that's still Takasaka and the law about not groping me in front of those two still stands. 

    Koji: Katsumi's not looking now, and nor is Takasaka. 

He attaches himself, limpet like, to Izumi, who has great difficulty prying him off again. Katsumi has absentmindedly made his way to Takasaka. He picks bits of creeper off his shirt, then vaguely rubs at one wrist. He hasn't actually noticed that the flower is still tenaciously lodged in his hair... 

    Katsumi: (cross) Look at my shirt. Will you look at this? Bits of creeper all over me. Damn, I'm a wreck. This material creases so easily. It'll never be the same again. 

    Taka (a small whimper): Koji knows I hate heights. 

    Katsumi (patpat): Look, you're on the ground now. It's okay. 

Taka gets off the chair and stands up next to Katsumi, who is standing thoughtfully and watching Izumi getting thoroughly kissed by a decidedly overamorous Koji. This wouldn't be so bad but where will those two find somewhere private in an Ewok village? 

    Katsumi: Taka-chan, do you have a bucket of cold water? 

    Taka: Why do you ask? 

    Katsumi: It's what my dad always used when our cat started getting passionate in the back yard… 

*** 

In the Chief's hut, a ludicrously cute scene is taking place, so for all those who wish to go and brush their teeth… you might as well do it now. The place is lit by an open fire - in the hut are pretty much all the named Ewoks we've met so far (so that's Chippy, Lurex, Ticket, Taboo…) and a large number of other ones to make the quorum. 

A few feet away the assorted rebels sit in their own ways. Izumi is sat up looking attentive, Koji just looks tolerably bored by the whole thing. Katsumi isn't paying any attention whatsoever - he's managed to get a vanity mirror off Koji and is doing his hair for the umpteenth time, occasionally cursing as he pulls bits of creeper out of it. He's kept the flower, he happens to think it looks pretty damn cute. Serika is in offline mode. Jesus is sort of squidged into one corner. Taka is attempting to conduct a potted history of the rebellion in Ewok. Put it like this, a grown man should not sit around squeaking for any reason. The Ewoks seem to like it, though. Then again, if God came along and started telling you his life story you'd look interested even if it was dead dull. 

Katsumi looks up from the mirror and starts giggling at Taka's unbelievably earnest expression throughout all this. 

When Taka has finished talking the bigwig Ewoks go into a huddle. They look suspiciously like the Teletubbies whilst so doing - any minute now they're all going to fall over… before it can happen Chippy turns round and squonks an announcement at the Ewoks, who give an equally squeaky cheer. Somewhere across the hut the mad drummers are at it again. 

    Katsumi (blinking once or twice): Oh, is it over? 

    Izumi (stretching): Seems that way. 

    Katsumi: Good… much more of that and I'd have died of boredom. 

Jesus growls something sarcastic and Katsumi looks crossly at the furry thing then throws Koji's mirror at him in a fit of pique. 

    Katsumi: I did NOT spend the whole time preening! 

Izumi intervenes - he knows the starts of an argument when he sees one. Katsumi, for some reason, doesn't seem to think he's at all vain, whereas everybody else knows he is. 

    Izumi: Takasaka, what was that announcement all about? 

    Taka: Oh… we're now part of the tribe, apparently. 

    Katsumi: Good. 

He makes a grab for another Ewok and glomps it enthusiastically. Curiously enough the Ewok does not seem to mind this manhandling. Koji sighs, then stiffens. Probably a Force thing… probably a Darth Akihito thing. An expression of sheer mindless terror flits across his face for an instant! The bucket has to be nearby to cause that kind of reaction. Only buckets made of the darkest dark side material can do that to Koji. He attempts to pull himself together and tries to Death Glare an Ewok which is approaching him in the mood for glomping, apparently. The Death Glare doesn't work on Ewoks, for some reason… 

    Koji: Oh, hot dog. Just want I wanted. 

    Katsumi (cuddling the Ewok and smiling): Aren't they cute, Koji? I used to have a teddy that looked just like this when I was little. 

    Koji: They just tried to eat us… have you forgotten? 

    Katsumi (philosophically, looking at the Ewok): Well, it'll be something to tell the grandchildren. (glancing at Taka) If I have any. 

    Koji (grumpy): If anyone needs me, I'll be outside. 

An Ewok glomps onto Koji's leg. He shakes it off and starts making his way out of the hut, attempting to do it discreetly so as not to attract attention of the Ewok or Katsumi brand. Luckily for him all the Ewoks seem to be otherwise engaged and Katsumi is talking to Takasaka from somewhere behind 'his' Ewok. Izumi notices, however, and follows to see what's up. Koji will no doubt be very happy when he discovers this development… it probably wasn't what he intended, but it's hardly likely to distress him… 

    Taka (businesslike, but with a nervy edge): Apparently they can show us the best way to get to the shield generator. 

    Katsumi: Right… (a sudden thought) When you've finished all the business stuff, could we go somewhere private? This could be our last night alive, we've got to make the most of it, you know. (calmly) I don't want to die a virgin. 

Taka blushes, unsurprisingly. 

To be continued... ad nauseam! 

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